This blog is something that I’ve wanted to write for a while now, but I’ve been struggling with how to put it all into words. I’ve learned a lot about myself so far on the Race. Some things good, and some things not so good. One thing in particular that I’ve learned is that for a long time my identity has been rooted in anything other than Christ, and consequently, has impacted and shaped my relationship with Him and my relationship with myself and others. This is probably one of the longest Blogs I’ve ever written (sorry) but, this is me, still dealing, still processing, still growing, but all while being covered in the grace of God.
Fact #1:
I didn’t know how to read until I was in third grade.
Lie I believe about myself #1:
I am stupid/ I’m not smart.
This isn’t something I think about often but lately I’ve come to realize that that time in my life impacts me much more than I thought. It was during that time of my life when I first began to think of myself as someone who wasn’t smart and if I really stop to think about it there are many little moments wherein I remember feeling embarrassed or ashamed because of it.
In my life this looked like a 100 different things, reading out loud, for example, is something that fills my whole soul with dread because it can still be a little hard for me, but this lie mostly surfaces in my thought life and the way in which I view myself.
Fact #2:
I am an emotional person.
I know you’re all shocked at this amazing God-given revelation, but really, I am what Myers-Briggs would define as a hardcore Feeler (there is no such thing- but if there was…). My emotions and my feelings guide so much of how I think and what I do.
Lie I believe about myself #2:
Because I’m emotional that means that I can’t think rationally or logically about anything.
I don’t know where this idea started, but I do know that there have been many people in my life that have affirmed this and looked down on me as childish (among other things) because of the role emotions play in my decision making. (Side note: I share this not to blame them for the beliefs I hold about myself, but to explain how, over time, this lie became more and more powerful.)
These things are all tied together in a way that I am still untangling. The honest truth is that somewhere along the way, I linked being emotional/ a feeler, with being stupid and I used the fact that I’m not very logical and that I couldn’t read as a kid to support that thought, which began to fuel a deep sense of shame within myself. Which is something that I was completely unaware of- until about a month ago.
So lets back up: a little over a month ago, my squad and I had a debrief in Brasov, Romania. For those of you who don’t know, debrief is a time when my entire squad comes together to talk and process through the previous month to make sure that we are on track and to make adjustments if needed. It’s also an amazing time of rest and fun, and an opportunity to grow with people from other teams. Anyway, at debrief I was able to sit down for a one-on-one with one of the Squad Coaches, and I don’t know how (Holy Spirit), but during the course of our conversation I realized so many lies about myself that I’ve let control me and define me.
As I’ve thought more and more about this I realize that in a lot of ways, I try to suppress my feelings when it comes to decision making and have tried to view/think through things objectively or as a ‘thinker’ would, because I viewed ‘thinkers’ as being better and smarter than me, but this only leads to me doubting myself when I do make decisions because they feel wrong/unnatural. I also realized that my love for learning/memorizing things comes from an insecurity that everyone else knows more than I do and looks down on me because of it. Now neither of these things are inherently bad, but my heart behind them is. I do these things because I’m trying to prove to everyone around me that I am good enough and smart enough but lets face it, I am never going to be able to learn enough, or think through things enough to overcome the root of those lies and the fears that those lies invoke: that I am broken, that I am less than, that I am not worth it. Only Jesus fills that gap and heals those wounds.
These lies not only impact the way I interact with myself and the people around me, but it has also impacts my relationship with God. I have grown up surrounded by so many faith giants, and I am forever grateful for the opportunities that I have had to observe them and to learn from them. Yet many, if not all, of the people who I aspired to be like in the faith are so different from me and I began to develop a clouded idea of what it means to seek after God. I observed and honestly idolized these people who could logically defend scripture and who could articulate these thought out and well researched arguments, whose personal relationship with God looked a lot like studying scripture and memorizing verses. (Side note again: This is a wonderful, wonderful way to grow closer to the Lord and the people I know are so alive in their faith and I am still so honored to learn from them.) So that’s what I started doing. I would listen to debates, I would study different topics or books, I sought out conversations with people who were well versed in scripture and I grew in my faith- to a point.
Then I would hit a wall. A wall of feeling distant and isolated and confused and honestly pretty stupid. Everyone always knew more than me and had better answers, or thought of something I hadn’t and I got frustrated. I loved learning more about the Lord and about the Christian faith but it all still seemed impersonal. I didn’t know there was any other way to seek God and I wasn’t experiencing God personally, no matter how hard I tried. I was learning about Him and seeking Him but I still felt distant and at times it felt like work. There would be these amazing moments of clarity, wherein He would just bring peace and love and joy to my heart, but they were always in moments fueled by emotions or feelings, so I discredited them.
Here is the thing: I was seeking God in a way that is wonderful and God honoring, but also in a way that doesn’t aline with how He designed me personally. I was seeking God as a thinker would, and ignoring my feelings and emotions, because that’s what I saw the people around me doing (not that they were ignoring their feelings- they just aren’t feelers, which is ok). I was watching thinkers seeking after God and finding Him without realizing that I was trying to seek God while ignoring the way that He gave me to seek and find Him personally.
I never trusted my feelings, or thought they were valuable or useful, and I didn’t even realize that I believed that. But wow, since being on the Race I have had to confront these beliefs over and over again. I spent so much of my time in Ukraine just crying out to the Lord in broken desperation, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. I started thinking back to all of those times, when I felt broken and crushed and couldn’t do anything but just bleed before the Lord and I noticed a pattern that in those times, when I was just being and feeling, that was when God always felt close and personal. Not just in the broken times either, but also in the moments of pure joy and peace, those were the times when God made His presence known to me.
I was and continue to be overwhelmed by so many different emotions here on the Race, but I feel like I’m also learning what I’m supposed to do with that. I’ve seen the Lord at work since being here, in new and profound ways, and its not that He is doing anything different, it’s that my eyes are starting to open up and recognize His hand at work. I have been encouraged beyond belief to ask questions and to get after God in biblical ways that are so new to me.
For the past two months (but really my whole life) I have been wrestling with what it means to draw near to God, and I think being surrounded by a totally new group of people who don’t know me, yet love God so fiercely, has helped me to began to realize that I didn’t have to pretend around God and to strive and work hard to be with Him. I can just be.
Last month one of my Squad Leaders, told me that I could trust my emotions. I was shook, to say the least. I feel my emotions and I understand my emotions, but there is a part of me that has always discounted them as simply being fleeting and fickle. I never imagined that God would use my emotions to be personal with me and its been eye-opening.
Truth that I’m learning #1:
I am smart in my own way. Emotional intelligence is still intelligence.
God made me and He loves me. He gave me the ability to think and to be rational and logical at times, but also He gave me the ability to think and process things in my own way, and it’s totally valid. I’m not stupid (though I totally can be at times, no denying), I’m not inherently childish, I’m not less than because I am emotional. I’m just not a thinker.
About a month ago my team was gathered together and we were praying for each other when my teammate, said she felt like she had a word for me. She told me that she saw trees, like the ones you see on sidewalks in cities, the thin ones with the bars all around them helping them grow straight, and she told me that that is what I was trying to be. I was trying to make myself into a tree like all of the others on the street but God didn’t see me that way. She said that God sees me as a vine, one that twists and grows in all different directions. She told me that I didn’t have to be a tree and grow like everyone else, that I could be who God made me to be, even if it was different.
Um wow- she had no idea that I was processing though all of this at the time, yet she was able to speak directly into my situation, isn’t God cool like that?! Right after she finished telling me this, another one of my teammates told me that she felt like God had told her the same thing as well- crazy, but I was thankful for the confirmation. This not only spoke into this aspect of my life but also to how I was trying to relate and be a part of my team. God is so cool, and He knew what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.
Truth that I’m learning #2:
Being a feeler/emotional is a gift.
I have viewed my emotions as something that I just have to carry with me and shoulder on in spite of, rather than something that God gave me as a gift. My other Squad Leader, and I had talked about my emotions, specifically why I cry so much, a little bit while we were in Ukraine and she told me that I should ask God why I am so emotional/cry. That felt strange to me, I’d never thought to ask why, or even that I could ask. So I started asking. Then, during a one-on-one meeting at debrief with my other Coach, she told me ‘I think your emotions are a gift’ and suddenly it made sense. Like poof. That was it. They felt like a gift and I think I understood a little more about myself and how I relate to God. And on top of all that, another one of my squad-mates pulled me aside randomly at debrief to tell me that she felt like she was supposed to tell me that my emotions are a gift that God is going to teach me about. Like wow. Ok God thank you.
I write this and I am not on the other side yet. I am still learning what this all means and I’m still discovering the depths to which I’ve allowed lies to shape how I view myself, but through everything God has proven Himself to be so good and faithful. As I dive deeper into intimacy with Him I am learning just how fully satisfying He is. It’s exciting and scary all at the same time to know that there will always be more of Him to discover. I’m thankful for the ways in which He has used my community, both here on the Race, and back at home, to love me and encourage me during this time. You guys are the best.
Much Love,
Morgan
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