Learning to Share

I’m sitting here staring at a blank word document anxiously trying to figure out what exactly I’m going to write in this post.

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I have officially watched an entire episode of Grey’s Anatomy and still have not figured out how to write this.

 

There has been a trend among my squad mates of posting about the things they are most worried about on the race, their fears and worries and vulnerabilities.

There it is my least favorite word ever: Vulnerable.

I have been thinking about writing this post for about a month now. And I figured since the squad is beginning to share these things it might be time for me to write this blog.

 

See a big and really important part of this trip is being vulnerable and open and sharing your weaknesses and fears and stuff with squad mates and people you meet around the world. And the process isn’t successful unless you can be vulnerable, unless you can be open and honest.

 

And that scares me. Admitting that that scares me, scares me.

 

If you know me you would know that I am not a very open, vulnerable person.

 

I have maybe two friends who I can be vulnerable with, that I openly share my fears and weaknesses with.

 

Because I have always believed that I have to be the strong one. That sharing those things makes me weak and makes me less in people’s eyes. I have always wanted to be the strong one, to be in control.

When life gets rough I don’t go to my best friend crying and spill my guts. I go in my room, blast some Skillet, remind myself that I’m gonna get through it, pray, and furiously scribble in my journal.

 

And I know that this isn’t going to work for the Race.

I’m not gonna be able to bottle up and hold it in because it’s going to be overwhelming and emotional and crazy.

I’m gonna need to be able to process it all with my squad mates and through my blog.

 

 

“We are restless because we are exhausted from living in our own strength” ~Jennie Allen

 

Living in Christ and living for Christ means leaving behind a life spent proving our strengths and finding freedom in our inadequacies and mistakes through the power of the Savior.

 

“Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” ~Hebrews 11:1

 

Writing this blog is the first step in my New Years Resolution of breaking down my walls, opening up, sharing my fears and vulnerabilities with my friends and my squad mates.

 

I have been going through a bit of a World Race emotional rollercoaster.

 

All Racers go through it.

 

The anticipation of submitting the application.

The high from getting accepted.

            The excitement from telling friends and family.

                        The fears about fundraising.

                                    The joy from buying the first piece of gear.

                                                The doubts about the entire trip.

                                                The enthusiasm from the first sponsor check.

                                    The fears about meeting new people.

                        The anticipation about meeting your first squad-mate in person.

            Again doubting the entire trip.

The horror of how a year will fit in a backpack.

            And so much more.

 

This past month I’ve seemed to go through all these emotions and more.

 

I’ve gone through a phase of doubt. Worrying about is this the right choice? Is this what I should be doing?

I’ve gone through the crazy excitement from the outpouring of love and support from around the US.

I’ve tried out my backpack for a weekend trip and freaked out about how everything was going to ever fit inside.

I’ve met one of my amazing squad mates in person and been really really excited because she’s awesome!

I’ve panicked about how I am going to leave all my friends and family behind for a year with little contact and that I won’t be around for holidays and birthdays and big life moments.

I’ve watched my friends get into grad school, get jobs, start looking for jobs, and make plans to move in with friends for post college and I know when I come back they will all be a year ahead of me with real life.

I’ve imagined the moment I get on the plane and head off onto the Race.

I’ve imagined the tears and the goodbyes.

I’ve also imagined the excitement.

I’ve imagined the incredible work we will be doing.

I’ve dreamed about far off places where we will get to bring God’s love.

I’ve gotten ecstatic about getting to live out this amazing plan that God has for me.

I’ve danced in my room about meeting my squad mates and making lifelong friends.

I’ve been overwhelmed by the amazing things in store for me.

 

Currently I am in the “stressing the heck out” mode because school just started again and I’m realizing how much I’m gonna have on my plate this last semester.

  

Despite the crazy rollercoaster of emotions that the Race has already brought and will continue to bring, I know that it’s what I am supposed to do.

 

I am crazy terrified and crazy excited, but I am going to do it anyway.

 

This journey is teaching me how to truly run after God. I have to throw off everything that is holding me back, to break down the walls in my way.

 

“Until you are all in, you will only be capable of dreaming your own inadequate and small dreams. Because we are never free until we let go. Great people don’t do great things. God does great things through surrendered people.” ~ Jennie Allen