I feel like while you are on the race, there's a constant spiritual battle going on. I have felt more insecurities creep up than ever before. I have felt pain return from past hurts, I thought I had overcome. I have had anxiety attacks from being plagued with my past. I have missed my family and my home more than I can convey to you with words. The holiday season coming up has made it especially hard to be away .
It has all left me with some pretty heavy thoughts of,
"I just want to go home."
&
"God can't use me like this."
　
I didn't just want to go home out of insecurities or homesickness. I have seen the Lord call out a lot in me that I am excited to apply to my life when I return home. I realized things He wants me to change and passions He has called out in me. I want to go incorporate them into my everyday life, but I can't do that yet. It's a weird frustrated/anxious feeling. Although, If I were to go home now, I know I wouldn't fully live out the things He has called out in me. It would probably be similar to one of those youth camp highs that seem to fade out a few days later. I know He still has much more to do in me.
I keep having these dreams where I return home from the race. Sometimes, I go home because I didn't raise enough money, or someone dies, or there is a wedding, or I just went home. In every dream I panic when I get home. I scramble to get money together to get back on the field with my team. I have been having it at least 3 times a week. It's spoken to me both negatively and positively. Negatively, I see my family and then I get super sad when I wake up and I am not really at home with them. It's been extremely hard starting off my day that way. Positively, it has been a form of confirmation to me that I need to stay where I am at. It's been a sign from God that He wants me here.
My team has been absolutely incredible these last few months. When I feel like I am tredging through the valley, they are right there taking this journey with me. When I feel like I need a laugh, they are always a great comedic relief. When I really miss my family, they are me family. When I feel crushed, they speak comfort, peace, and life over me. When I feel insecure, they declare God's truths over me.
One night in particular, My insecurities came up and Satan was just really using them to tell me I am not good enough. I shared what I had been experiencing with my team and they all prayed for me and encouraged me. They reminded me of my value and the gifts God has blessed me with. My teammate, Brian, said something that cracked me up, but really stuck with me. He said, " Morgan, you remind me of Little Red Riding Hood. There are all these scary dark things around you and the wolf is trying to trick you, but you're just prancing along with your little basket of muffins. You are just all joyful and bright." It really reminded me what I need to keep my focus on. If I focus on the dark and scary stuff or believe the lies of wolf, it will steal my joy. I need to constantly focus on what the Lord thinks of me, not my insecurities.
We went to the beach last night and worshipped the Lord through songs. We sang a song called, Set A Fire. There is a line in it that says, "There's no place I'd rather be, than here in Your love." I got really convicted when I sang it, because that last week I had been wanting to go home. Then, I thought of Christ. How He prayed to God, "If there's any other way, let this cup pass from me." He lived and He died for me. He didn't want to endure what He did…But He did it, because He loves me that much.
I gave the Lord this year. It may not always look as I expected it to look. It certainly won't be easy, but what He had to do for me was far greater than anything I could ever do for Him. He did it because He loved me. So, I will, because I love Him.
$3,903 still needed to keep me on the field.
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Thank you and God Bless!
