I can’t pray. I must have prayer-induced narcolepsy, because I’m often unable to see a prayer through to the final “yes and amen.” Starting the conversation is no problem, but staying focused and awake can be a challenge. Almost every time. Ya get me?
Except, that is something I have learned to address instead of accepting as a fact of my (sometimes nearly nonexistent) prayer life. It is something that I can change. If you find yourself stuck in a similar place, you can change that too. This month, in what is likely the busiest and most chaotic city I will ever live, I have found solace in an assortment of overpriced coffee shops (yeah, so what if one of them is a Starbucks). Despite the noise, the Lord has taken advantage of my time in these coffee shops, quietly speaking to me through His Word and in my journal. When before I couldn’t even devote a full page to prayer, He has given me an abundance of thanks and requests to fill many pages. And so my prayer life has changed. Voila! I have learned how to best pray in this season of my life. What used to work might not work well now, and what works now might not feel so right later. But I have found what does work in this season. “This season” has been full of journaled intercession and I am starting to feel more identified with a “prayer warrior” than ever before—something I never in an eternity would have ascribed to myself.
To be frank (hello, Frank), I didn’t really want to share this on my blog. What you’re about to read is a modified version of a recent prayer from my journal. Feel free to click away now, if you have no interest in reading someone else’s prayer at this point in your life. No pressure here (I’ll literally never know)! I felt led, however, to share my requests about my soon-to-be re-entry into the United States. My hope in sharing this is that some of these words are ones you yourself have prayed. Or maybe they’re things you needed to pray, but didn’t know what to say to the One who already knows it all.
So, without further ado, here are some of the ramblings and requests of a month 11 Racer about to come home.
“Big G, thank You that it smells like spring right now in this Starbucks. Thank You for a scent that fills my heart in a way that makes me want to explode—an elation that almost hurts. A yearning for something…probably for You! Thank You for this little taste of Heaven that drives me crazy for what is yet to come.
Yeah okay, I know not to worry about my “next,” but that doesn’t stop me from trying. BUT I know Your will for me is sweeter and more specific to me and my heart than I could ever dream. You uphold me with Your righteous right hand, and I am never far from Your mind…even when You are far from mine. You water the deserts with loving care while no man is near to benefit from or experience it. You do this with gladness in Your heart because the desert is Your creation, and You love it all the same.
How often I forget that the One who tends to the lonely desert does insurmountably more to tend to my needs. I need only draw near to You and listen for what You have to say…it is then that I can fully experience the freedom and peace extended to me from Your own hand.
God, give me a nearly insatiable love and need for You. You are the only thing that can and does satisfy. You satisfy all. I don’t want a life without You interwoven into every aspect of it—I want to fall more and more in love with You every single day. Let me be a woman who is captivated by Your great love. Make me a woman who pursues and loves You, others, and herself extraordinarily well.
Conform my will, plans, and desires to reflect Your own, because right now I honestly have no idea what I want from life, and I have no idea what I need from life. But I have a significant expectancy, because I know You know what is best for me. Make me a woman who follows Your direction and great purpose for my life.
Give me a joy and a passion for everything I do. Remind me often to be obedient and what full obedience means and looks like. And heck, reward and bless that obedience! The harder request is for You to discipline my disobedience. By all means, do that too. Help me to fully understand Your correction, to see it and truly learn from it. Expose my concerns, hesitancies, fears, and insecurities for what they are—a refusal to trust in You and Your goodness. Shine Your righteous light in the dark places of my life…in the depths of the sea that have never experienced the fullness of Light.
Keep frustration and disappointment far from me. Keep me from experiencing it and certainly keep me from causing it. Help me to best respect the people who love and support me—to best express my deepest, sincerest gratitude for the incredible amount of love they have shown.
Messing up, making mistakes, and failing are not a question—they will happen. I will mess up, make mistakes, and fail daily. Thank You for creating and redeeming this messy, weird human who slips up often, sometimes in the same ways. Help me to learn from and not repeat my mistakes. Help me to appreciate them for what they are.
Praying against falling back into old habits and cyclical sin is a legitimate request, but I refuse to validate it with fear, for You behold my gaze. Hold tight the part of me that is tempted to run to the comforts of my past, and rescue me from my human desires. Hold me together, Christ.
I. will. not. regress. You have broken my repeat-offender heart that has delighted in sin, and sometimes still does. You are the only One who was able, who even tried, to redeem that heart of shame and call it by a new, truer name.
Help me to stand confidently in the changes You have allowed me to make. Let my words, thoughts, and actions clearly reflect all that You have so intentionally done in, to, and through me this year. Help me to inspire change and growth in others that will ultimately lead them to You and Your redemption.
Give me a healthy love and appreciation for the season I’m in and for the community You have so carefully crafted for me. Help me to pursue the people who will continue to encourage me, love me well, build me up, sharpen me, and point me to You. Help me to do those things for them. Help me to do those things for the people in my life who are unable to do so for me. Help me fight for this in all my communities, not just the Race.
Keep inadequacy far from me and my mind clean of it. Remind me often what You say my image, value, and worth are. Remind me that I do not answer to the world or what it says of me; I answer to You alone.
I will not continue to paint my face with senseless worry, but know instead that the God of Job, the God of Jonah…the God of Morgan has His hand on top of my head. Some of the things I’m afraid of will happen. And I will choose to be okay with that—I choose to release them to You, handing them over and letting them go. Help me fully let go of the things that are not of You…things You never asked me to pick up in the first place. And now I can more fully open my hands to accept Your design for my life. Great Warrior, I need You to fight for me.
Help my experience of re-entry to be smooth and enjoyable—help me appreciate it for what it is, pressing into what You want me to experience. Keep me present; make me intentional. Give me adventure wherever I am, and help me inspire others to do the same. Help me process the transition from what You had for me to what You have for me.
Help me to savor every moment left in my current season and every moment of my next. Help me to savor every moment of the life You have so generously gifted me!”
Yes and amen.
