I have been home from training camp for a week now and I will be honest and say that I have been avoiding the whole blog thing. I did not come home and process things like I should have. To be truthful, I was so sick when I got home that I spent the better part of 4 days in bed with a fever. I got home and my body gave in!
I want to give everyone a glimpse into training camp and the Beauty for Ashes retreat without giving away too many details for any future racers. So I will mainly talk about the retreat.
God did amazing things in my heart at the Beauty for Ashes retreat. From the moment that I got off the plane I could feel it. God was calling me to a week of brokenness and I was not interested. I held back the tears and I tried to be a big girl but it didn’t work.
My flight to Atlanta had been delayed and I was the last one on the bus. I ran from the gate to make sure that they didn’t leave me behind and I didn’t even take time to pray. I had no idea what God was going to allow me to go through that week and I was not prepared for it at all. I threw my awkward heavy pack on the bus and found an empty seat. I knew no one. I felt like a child again awkward, alone, and so scared to interact with all the other kids. One of my squad mates tried to greet me but I threw up my walls and plugged in my headphones to tune out the conversations around me. I started to cry out to God….”I just want to go home!”
Social interaction is NOT my strong suit. I think that my funny personality can sometimes be misleading. I find it easier to be the funny girl because then I can remain on the surface and I don’t have to talk about what is really hurting me.
It took 3 very long very tough days, but MoMo finally emerged on day 3. However before that day I had some things to address. I thought that I was ok. I thought that I had gotten over my insecurities that I faced as a little girl. Apparently I hadn’t. I had to finally face those things that were holding me back from having a real relationship with my Father. We worked through them together. We are still working though them together. I have never felt more loved that I did in those 3 days.
God really spoke to my spirit and told me that He loves me, He has chosen me, and He created me without any mistakes. God knows me exactly for who I am supposed to be. Every time I think of this I smile. Before I came to camp I didn’t really like myself too much. I hid behind humor and closed doors to hide the hurts . I thought that there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t likable and lacked social skills. There was nothing wrong with me at all. Im not supposed to be like anyone else. So Beauty for Ashes helped me know me better. I found Christ in me and realized that I’m not all that bad!
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mothers womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:13-14
