Disclaimer: I had a lot on my mind tonight so I pretty much threw up words all over the paper and this is what came out.
I don’t know what to write, nothing seems “blog worthy.” Nothing about my life feels special, noteworthy, or exciting. It just all feels normal. Is normal bad? Is it the enemy of what’s best, or is it ok? Have I settled? Sometimes I wonder if even in the middle of this crazy World Race I’m managed to become complacent. Have I allowed my self to be content with less then God’s best for me? I have so many questions tonight.
We had a good discussion during our team dinner. We talked about unfulfilled expectations from this year. What does God want for this year? I know that’s the most important question. During our discussion I had all the “right” answers, they sound great, they make me feel better, but they don’t really help anyone.
(Photo by: Annie Bower anniebower.theworldrace.org)
My sister e-mailed me tonight, she wrote some of the things that people at home say to her about me. How they think I am doing something great, how wonderful they think I am, etc. That freaks me out. I’ve struggled and messed up a ton this year. This year has been a gift from God to me, and it’s only by God’s grace that he has allowed me to minister to others.
Even now I want more. I desire to be a better person. I long to fall deeper in love with God. I hope to live life crazy abandoned to God. My fear is that I will live my life and my faith searching for one high after the next. I don’t want do faith for an emotional release. Where does wisdom and reckless abandon intersect?
God, how do I do life your way? What is your way?
I’m filled with 1,000 questions and answers seem so far away.
Seek and you will find.
I’m seeking, asking for more. I’m wondering, waiting, wanting.
This year has been a ride. I’ve spent incredible passion filled, productive months in Swaziland. I’ve climbed mountains, roasted marshmallows in lava, swam in waterfalls and played in waves. I’ve made great friends in many countries, prayed for and seen supernatural healings and celebrated as many have come to know Christ. I’ve lived in the African bush, had zebras outside my tent, been cramped in a tiny house in Peru with 20 people, and stayed in a beautiful apartment in Cambodia. I’m not saying all this stuff to brag. I just feel like after all this I should have more answers, but all I have is more questions.
Why am I not a better person? Why is it still a daily struggle put others before my self? Why am I hit with intense bouts of depression? When it comes to personal growth I feel like the kid in the car whining “Are we there yet?”
Why is life so darn complicated? Or, am I just making it to hard?
(photo of the Cambodian Killing Fields by: Ryan Stewart ryanstewart.theworldrace.org)
My eyes have been opened to so much this year. I can’t make sense of what I’ve seen: Children raising children, people dying of AIDS, kids being abused, the poor being mistreated, women sold for sex. I hate these issues, if I dwell on them for too long I start to sink. God you have to have some reason for showing me all this, some purpose.
I want to love people, take risks, somehow manage to walk the tightrope between reckless abandon and wisdom, but I feel almost out of energy. I’m at the end of my self and maybe that’s where God wants me.
