I’ve been doing everything in my power to avoid writing this. My latest procrastination attempt was learning to use the curling iron that’s been gathering dust since I bought it a few years ago. Now I have huge hair and a few third degree burns.
I don’t know exactly why I’m so hesitant to write. Part of it is my own moodiness. I keep thinking I will wait until everything feels good and normal. All my friends who have readjusted to this culture after being away say that the moodiness is normal. Honestly it didn’t all hit me until the last few days.
The other reason why I am hesitant to write is because I wanted this blog to be perfect. I wanted it to be eloquent, honest, sum up the year, say thank you to everyone, and talk about all the wonderful friendships I’ve been blessed with. Besides that I wanted to talk about all the ministries we were a part of, write follow up’s for each one and use my words to bring honor to those selflessly serving God in each of the countries we visited. I tried, but it felt like a term paper, devoid of emotion, the brain detached from the heart. Someday all that will come, but at the moment I’m giving my self the space to process.
I’m listening to an amazing Sara Groves song called, It’s going to be alright. Crying along with the lyrics, feeling like they are straight from God to me.
It’s going to be alright
It’s going to be alright
I can tell by your eyes your not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above
Feel your sinking in too deep…
I believe you’ll outlive this pain in your heart
And you’ll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
It’s going to be alright
It’s going to be alright
When sometime has passed us and the story can be told
It will mirror the strength and courage of your soul
I believe
I believe
I did not come here to offer you clichés
I will not pretend to know all your pain
Just when you can not I will hold out faith for you
It’s going to be alright…
Cast your cares…
This morning I kept staring at my computer’s automatic slide show. Each picture was a memory, a snapshot of a moment. My teammates and I riding in a tuk-tuk, laughing our heads off, the crazy, crowded streets of Vietnam, all of us smiling on the Great Wall of China, A child from Mozambique, his eyes hopeful despite the pain he has been through.
(My team praying over the city of Antigua, Guatemala, photo by Ryan Stewart)
It’s the moments I keep thinking about and remembering. If I try to sum up this year, to figure out the whole, it’s too overwhelming. All I can do is focus on the moments, and let the feelings come.
God’s done so much this year. I am so grateful and so hopeful, but today that doesn’t take away the pain of what I’ve seen. Now I have so many more questions. Everything is a paradox.
I love the freedom of driving in my car, singing at the top of my lungs, but I hate how everyone around me is zooming past angrily driving, in such a self important hurry.
I love shopping and being able to find what ever I want, but I hate the materialism of my culture and how we have so much more than we could ever need.
I love getting dressed from a closet full of clothing, but I hate the pressure to look good all the time.
I love the alone time, but then I start to feel nervous, anxious and disconnected.
I want to live full out, fully alive, but at the moment being cuddled up on the couch watching the drama of some one else’s life unfold seems like a small piece of heaven.
How does comfort and living full out for God mix? Can I have both? Is it possible? I want to believe it is, because I feel called to live, fully alive, in this amazing place.
My stories from this year aren’t over. The project we worked on in Swaziland has taken off, money has begun coming in, and soon the kids will have a place to receive food and care every day, what we dreamed about is actually happening. My home church, North Coast Calvary Chapel, is doing amazing things with NightLight, women are selling jewelry, I’m speaking at a fundraising party this weekend, things are moving.
The journey that God has brought me through this year is far from over, he has brought so much healing in my life, showed me that I have a voice, and begun to lead me towards a lifetime of living out my passions. This isn’t the end….
(My team on the Great Wall of China)
