Puerto San Juan is a town of vast contrasts. It’s beautiful right on the beach, palm trees and beach huts, but it’s also broken. The beaches in town are lined with row after row of 5′ by 8′ foot rooms with nothing but a plastic covered mattress. The rooms rent by the hour and are in close proximity to where the ships dock. The women hang outside the rooms waiting for the next sailor willing to pay the price.
(The beach we swam at every night)
The beach is gorgeous! Iridescent blue Ocean, warm water, bright sun, but it’s also covered with garbage. From a distance it looks so good, but when you get close it’s kind of disgusting. Where we stayed was gorgeous and got even more beautiful after all our painting and work, but it had a huge wall all around it and an armed guard patrolling at night.
(Felix’s Property that we helped paint)
My heart is echoing the location. I am alright; good on the surface but deeper there is unrest. I’ve been struggling with this for the last few weeks and honestly I hate writing about it, putting it out there for the world to see.
More then anything else I don’t want to be a slave to sensitivity and emotions. I want to wear the Christian mask, look like I have it all together, minister to the nations, never experience a selfish thought or tough emotion. But that would be a scam.
Truth is lately I’ve been feeling useless and worthless.
One of my college professors Jerry Sittser always said, “Feelings are real, but they don’t define reality.” These undulating emotions that I’m experiencing are very real especially in the dark moments but it doesn’t mean that my thoughts reflect reality.
The reality is that God loves me and has a plan for me.
There is no such thing as a useless or worthless child of God.
I am willing to let God use me and He tells me again and again that is enough!
I would appreciate prayer about all this.
My desire is to not be a slave to my own feelings while at the same time recognizing that tough emotions are part of life.
Our team has stopped in Antigua for the night and will be heading up to
Lake
Panajachel tomorrow.
We will be praying about ministry opportunities when we get there and seeing where God leads us.
(Me and Emilie taking a break from scraping the dirt off the bottom of the pool.)
