Last week was a rough week. I’m stilla little shell shocked and more frail then usual. At this point I’m
trying to get my bearings back and make a sweep of the ship to
figure out what the storm took and what’s salvageable. Not a fun
process. I’m left wondering exactly how I got here.
about change and feeling the restless discontent I often experience
right before God opens up a new season in my life. Doors that I
thought would open were closing, which only fueled the desire for my
life to be in a new place. I would wake up in the morning sad and
longing after dreaming about spending more time doing missions and
empowering others to do missions.
old Jars of Clay song reverberated in my head…
away
and my eyes can’t see your face
I wonder if I’ve grown to
lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you.�
that was a daily part of my life on the World Race? Was I living the
way that God called me to or just getting by?
new door was opening. I was stoked. The new season I had been
waiting for, YES! In my mind that transition would lead to
freedom and be a step towards doing what I was called to do. With
out realizing it, I started to believe making that change would give
me more worth and value. I was moving towards my ministry, career
and calling all at the same time. It was easy to hold my head a
little higher and laugh quicker. I wasn’t stuck, I had options,
worth and was moving forward in life.
The door slammed shut. The deep fear I had shoved away became a
reality. I wasn’t progressing at all. I was nothing, nobody and the
only thing I was worth was to administrate for others. I cried, A LOT, unfortunately there is no hiding it when I’m upset.
For some crazy reason last week was packed with ministry opportunities. I got to
speak at Three0 our group for 30 somethings in the church, even though I’m not 30 yet, all about what God is doing in Swaziland. During
Fill-A-Belly I had an intense conversation and prayer time with
a man being haunted by things he’s done in the past. Saturday
morning I was honored to spend a powerful time praying for my
roommate who is struggling to raise support in a rough economy.
God reminded me that He has a plan and a purpose for my life and that
He loves what I’m doing, but even more than that, He loves who I am. He knows what is best for me even when I don’t and has my best interests in mind. My worth and value don’t come from anything I do, they are a free gift because God loves me that much.
dream is lost, but I choose to trust that another better dream will
rise in it’s place. Until then God is telling me to rest in Him,
wait on Him and trust that He will open the perfect door when the
time is right.
