I still haven’t posted the second half of my “All His Money” blog. It’s written, some day I’ll even get around to putting it up, but shortly after writing about Kaden, life took over. It feels like a few years worth of experiences have happened over the last month. Also sorry if anyone got updated twice for this blog. I messed it up the first time.
Thursday night, March 12th…. I was sitting with Molly, my sister, and Anne, one of my best friends. After trying to hold it together during a rough week, the dam broke. Like an unwelcome house guest the tears that had been threatening to escape started cascading down my cheeks.
I have amazing friends; they listened, prayed with me, and then sprung into action. A huge part of my struggle was the fact that my best friend was going through an incredibly rough time and I knew that we needed to be together. The things I thought were priorities suddenly didn’t feel so urgent. Molly found me decently priced airline tickets and volunteered to take over the Mexico trip I was committed to lead. It was Thursday night and I had to be at the airport by Saturday morning at 5 am.
Friday evening, March 13th… Molly and I had an amazing sister date. My parents had given her 2 tickets to Rent and a dinner out for her birthday. Lucky me, I got to be her date. Many of the themes explored in the musical struck a cord in me. One of the songs, Will I, has the lyrics…
“Will I loose my dignity,
Will someone care,
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare.”
Monday morning, March 16th…My Dad called to give me the news that my Grandma had died. I was still with my best friend in Northern California. A wave of emotions hit, followed by immense tiredness, it was like I had slammed my body against a brick wall. I left to help support my friend and all of a sudden I was the one needing help. Being with my best friend and her family was a gift; they helped me to accept some of the grief I was feeling. I have a habit of chastising my self when I’m going through anything.
Today… Honestly I don’t really know what’s wrong with me, other then that something is off. Really, really off. Some days I think it’s the financial stress of fund raising my salary. Some days I think it’s being overwhelmed by too many tasks, too many jobs, leading too many trips, working on too many projects. My problem might be burnout or maybe it’s something deeper. That’s something God and I are discussing. I’m sick of being moody and not knowing what’s going to happen. Here’s the reality…actually I don’t even know what the reality is. All I know is that I’m not all right, but as we used to say on the World Race, it’s ok not to be ok.
Right now, I hate pat Christian answers. I hate the fact that I can’t hide what’s happening in me. I hate that everything makes me angry or makes me cry. I don’t like to be moody. The last few weeks the only prayers I can manage are desperate cries for help. My friends continue to pray for and with me each day whether I like it or not, whether I feel like it or not. For that I’m grateful…
