Huge Changes Afoot

Eight miles today!
Woohoo!  Walking not
running, but I did run up and down all the stairs on the Carlsbad beach pathway.  Twelve days ago when I started training
it was six.  Two more miles might
not seem like a lot but how I felt doing those miles was an encouraging
difference. 

 

So why am I walking like a crazy woman?  The answer is long.  It sums up the last six months of
wrestling with God about my future, includes a difficult and beautiful career
change, and a trip to my beloved Swaziland. 

 

Rewind six months. 
I was just finishing another intense youth ministry summer.  My energy was sapped in a good way:
camp was a blast, students grew in their relationships with God, Fill-A-Belly
was sustainable, and I was enjoying the students and leaders I got to work
with.  In early September I took a
week and went to Oregon to visit my family.  Something about slowing down and being away gave me the
ability to see my life from a different perspective.  This might sound weird, but I knew at that point God was
releasing me from my job at North Coast Calvary Chapel. 

 

I confided in Brian Day my direct boss and with his blessing
started applying for other youth ministry jobs.  I became a finalist at a few different churches and went
through grueling, months long, interview processes.  None of the jobs were right for me, and the idea of starting
again with another youth ministry sounded disparaging, but I was still
incredibly bummed when God shut those doors. 

 

Overall I felt stuck, like my life was trapped behind a huge
dam.  In desperation I was trying
everything I could possibly do to break through.  I tried to get a new job, I tried (and I’m not xo proud of
admitting this) dating a few not so great for me guys.  My thinking was if I just found the right
guy to marry that would break the gargantuan, rock solid, dam I kept hitting my
head on. 

 

I have to admit that more then once I put on the song “Close
Every Door to Me,� from Joseph and the
Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat, curled up under the covers, and cried my
eyes out.  As my behavior
illustrates, I like super sappy music when I’m sad.  Being in the place of knowing I was supposed to move forward
in my life but not seeing doors open was crushing.  God used the time to bring me to the end of my self.  My prayer went from, “God give me
________ job or ________ ministry,� to “God what ever you want as long as we
are moving forward together.â€� 

 

In January, after months of searching, I met with Clydeen an
amazingly gifted woman to pray together and listen to God.  At one point she asked God, “What’s
this dam Morgan keeps hitting about?â€� 
I knew the answer the moment she asked the question.  God clearly showed me that the dam
holding me back was fear, especially the fear of not being financially secure.

 

I had told God (which never works well=) ) I would do
anything with the exception of going into missions and raising financial
support.  I’ve known since twelve
years old that I was called to be a missionary.  Here I was preaching every week to my Junior High students
about surrendering your life completely to God and I was terrified to do the
same.  About a million negative
things that anyone could possibly say or think about me going into full time missions
ran through my head. 

 

I was scared to leave what had become comfortable, but the
thought of living my life stuck and being disobedient to my calling terrified
me.  During that prayer session I was
sure my time in youth ministry was closing and a new season was opening before
me.  At that point I didn’t have
all the details figured out, but for the first time in months I was at peace
and moving forward.