I’m 29 today and feeling the usualbirthday blues. I’m not a big fan of my birthday in general, but at
the same time I want people to notice and pay me special attention.
It’s an odd combo. I feel exposed admitting it.
I’ve been back from Africa for five
days, and combining the birthday blues with post trip recovery has
not made for my most emotionally stable week. Since getting back my
time and attention has been spent putting out fires. Space to
process Swaziland with the energy to do it is a luxury I haven’t been
afforded.
days, and combining the birthday blues with post trip recovery has
not made for my most emotionally stable week. Since getting back my
time and attention has been spent putting out fires. Space to
process Swaziland with the energy to do it is a luxury I haven’t been
afforded.
It’s odd, there are two ways I can view
today, I can see at it as the end of my 28th year on earth
or the beginning of my 29th. I’ve been looking at my
birthday as the end of something and it seems pretty bleak. To be
dangerously honest I assumed I would be married long before now, and
the way I imagined my life looking at this age is nowhere close to
reality.
today, I can see at it as the end of my 28th year on earth
or the beginning of my 29th. I’ve been looking at my
birthday as the end of something and it seems pretty bleak. To be
dangerously honest I assumed I would be married long before now, and
the way I imagined my life looking at this age is nowhere close to
reality.
Everything that I’ve worked for or
towards in the last year seems to have fallen apart or be over. This
is an overly pessimistic and very simplified way of viewing things
even though it feels right. But as my favorite college professor
said, “Feelings are real, but they don’t define reality.â€�
towards in the last year seems to have fallen apart or be over. This
is an overly pessimistic and very simplified way of viewing things
even though it feels right. But as my favorite college professor
said, “Feelings are real, but they don’t define reality.â€�
About three or four months ago I felt
like God was saying that it was time to push on every door I could
and see what opened. I was hopelessly optimistic, annoyingly cherry,
and felt downright unstoppable.
like God was saying that it was time to push on every door I could
and see what opened. I was hopelessly optimistic, annoyingly cherry,
and felt downright unstoppable.
I pushed…
and pushed…
and PUSHED…
and I got pushed back…
slapped down…
taken out…
Every door has now shut, I’m out of
ideas, out of options, and too tired to try again anyway.
ideas, out of options, and too tired to try again anyway.
Here I am, 29, today, and I work a part
time job with no room for career growth. I run a nonprofit that the
city is trying to shut down, because what we do is messy. The
interpersonal conflicts take the biggest toll, and sadly there is no
stud on a white horse anywhere on the horizon.
time job with no room for career growth. I run a nonprofit that the
city is trying to shut down, because what we do is messy. The
interpersonal conflicts take the biggest toll, and sadly there is no
stud on a white horse anywhere on the horizon.
Truthfully, right now I’m a little bit
of a wreck. I can glance at the positive things, which make me
appear good. My life on the Facebook feed looks amazing. Some days
I buy into that life. Than there are the days like today, where the
losses seem to overshadow the gains. It’s not that the losses are
more, they are just closer at the moment pushing anything positive
out of my frame of reference. It’s likely that tomorrow I’ll be able
to see life in better perspective but today will be a day to get
through.
of a wreck. I can glance at the positive things, which make me
appear good. My life on the Facebook feed looks amazing. Some days
I buy into that life. Than there are the days like today, where the
losses seem to overshadow the gains. It’s not that the losses are
more, they are just closer at the moment pushing anything positive
out of my frame of reference. It’s likely that tomorrow I’ll be able
to see life in better perspective but today will be a day to get
through.
I can also look at today as the
beginning of my 29th year. The start of something new.
So many things have been wiped clean. I’ve spent the last year
clinging to good things which gave me a false sense of security and
identity. Now those things are gone. I truly hope God is
clearing the path for something greater.
beginning of my 29th year. The start of something new.
So many things have been wiped clean. I’ve spent the last year
clinging to good things which gave me a false sense of security and
identity. Now those things are gone. I truly hope God is
clearing the path for something greater.
About a month ago I went up to be
prayed for at the end of church. The woman asked what I wanted
prayer for but I kept quiet. My desire was to hear what God wished
to say to me. During our time together she said, “The greatest
adventure in your life is knowing God more.�
prayed for at the end of church. The woman asked what I wanted
prayer for but I kept quiet. My desire was to hear what God wished
to say to me. During our time together she said, “The greatest
adventure in your life is knowing God more.�
That’s my hope for
this last year in my twenties. I desire to get to know and fall more
in love with God than I’ve ever been and with so much of my life
wiped clean, I’m ready.
