I’ll admit it, I’ve been riding the struggle bus lately.
We’re almost in the middle of month 5 already which means the new year is fastly approaching, and with it just 6 more countries to go.
Now depending on the day, that sounds like a lot of time left out here, but lately it has been sending me into a panic.
We started with 11 countries and now it’s only 6.
We have 2 more months in Asia and then 4 in Central America and then we out.
Home sweet home.
Usually that makes me excited, but reading those last couple of sentences again just made my heart rate hit the roof of this cafe I’m in.
Panic for days.
Why? Well because there are these lovely things called expectations, and I’ve had a ton of them.
I knew what I was signing up for when I came on the race. The World Race website has a video that shows a little of what it is about and it made me weep with joy every time I watched it.
And I watched it a lot.
Unfortunately, without realizing it, I let that video influence my expectations of what I was going to do out here.
I also let my experiences of my past trip with AIM influence my expectations too.
I can just see Katie Swan, one of my old Passport’s mentors, shaking her head at me now.
Flashbacks to training camp 2013 when she had told us to check our expectations at the door so that we could enter the mission field open minded and open handed to the work that was to be done.
And now here we are.
Oops.
Now with expectations you can go one of two ways; you either surpass them and it’s great or are let down by them and disappointed.
And so far this trip has brought both my way.
Lately my expectations have been letting me down; of course that is no ones fault but my own for letting them sneak in into my mind and hang around up there.
You see, the words third world mission trip have different meaning for different people.
I hear those words and I think dirt filled sweaty days with less access to water than you would hope. I think tent living, slim wifi, and hiking up and down all the things to reach people.
My sister talked about doing mission work in Europe once and I remember shaking my head at her. My dad laughed and said “Morgan, you want the tough life. You would be content in a village in the middle of nowhere in Africa.”
Well would there be little African babies running up to me too? Yes? Then yes please, sign me up for that.
And with those thoughts of missionary living always swirling around in my brain, I look back at my race so far and I feel comfortable.
Isn’t it supposed to be harder than this?
I’ve had a bed most months, working water, and more access to wifi than I thought possible.
Now community living, I admit, that’s probably been the most difficult, but that’s a different subject.
In Africa I didn’t run up and down dirt roads with children. I haven’t seen the Lord heal people like He did when I was in India last time. I haven’t shared the Gospel like I’ve hoped to.
Because that’s what I’ve wanted to do. I’ve wanted to be a part of the miracles, the soul saving, the long hard sweaty days and the dirt.
And then I look at other teams on my squad and hear some of their stories. I look at blogs and pictures of other Racers around the world and I let the spirit of comparison and jealousy step in.
And panic follows closely behind.
Am I doing enough? Am I making a difference? Have people seen Jesus in what we’ve done? Do my supporters think I’ve been doing enough?
That’s a big one.
Then I panic that my panic has been holding me back.
Have my thoughts been keeping me from being fully present here? Have I given my best? There isn’t much time left. I have to do better.
I can’t look back on my Race and think that I didn’t give my all in these 11 months.
That thought terrifies me the most.
So I have these expectations taking hold, and as I battle against them I let panic dictate my thoughts and so I sit here in month 5 scared of failure.
Failure.
Oof. That’s a heavy word to be sitting with.
And I shouldn’t be.
Let’s backtrack for a second.
Who wants to count how many times I have used the word I?
No one? Yeah I don’t want to either.
I hope. I want. I thought. I expected.
That’s not pretty to see. Cringeworthy really.
It’s not supposed to be about me right?
Right.
And that’s when I hear God talking to me.
“I’m so sorry that you’ve only been doing what I have wanted you to do, Morgan.”
Double oof.
Yes, God can be a little sassy too.
And in this moment He has every right to be.
I set out on the World Race with the intention of following what the Father wanted me to do and quickly made it about what I thought I should be doing.
And if I continue in that direction I am only going to be getting in the way of His plans.
And that’s the last thing I want to do.
In Matthew 6:33 it says “Seek the kingdom of God above all else…”
Early in that same chapter Jesus mentions kingdom in the Lord’s prayer.
“Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.”
Simple enough right?
I have two jobs. Seek His kingdom, and bring kingdom here.
My job isn’t to seek out the most remote village in the world to live in. It isn’t to find the orphanage with the cutest kids and the hardest stories to love on.
It’s simply to seek His kingdom alone. And to bring His kingdom here.
And now bringing kingdom here doesn’t mean witnessing miracles everywhere we go. It doesn’t mean I lead someone to Christ every day.
It means so many different things. It means leading bible studies. It means building relationships. It means, painting, raking, teaching, playing, and hole punching 360 pieces of paper.
I took a minute while writing this to watch the World Race video once more.
I made it through tearless this time.
Mainly because I stopped it halfway through.
I stopped it because one racer alum said a sentence that I had missed before when I was caught up with what I was watching.
Amidst the video clips of what ministry could look like on the race she said these words:
“We do whatever it takes to bring God’s kingdom to earth and share His love around the world.”
Boom.
That’s it y’all.
We do whatever it takes.
Why? Because He uses every last bit of what you do for Him for His glory.
Where I have been, what I have done, He’s used it.
Where I will go, what I will do, He will use it.
The same goes for you.
So I am going to go ahead and leave my expectations here in Cambodia.
It won’t always be easy, mainly because I can be a little stubborn. But the Father knows that and thankfully He is forever coming beside me to help.
I’m ready now to tackle ministry in the months to come with a fresh perspective.
Wherever I end up living these next few months, whatever I end up doing, He already has big plans to use it for His kingdom.
How exciting is that?
