I am a prideful overthinking perfectionist.
Great start right?
Well get ready, it’s about to get vulnerable up in here.
Here we go.
Since I announced that I would be going on the World Race two months ago, it has been a whirlwind. This last semester of school has been the toughest as I have interned at my elementary school. There are lesson plans to be made and material to find. There are meetings after meetings after meetings. And then of course I have to teach! Which is such a joy but also a challenge.
On top of that there is work that needs to be submitted to my supervisor every week. Work that needs to be submitted to the College of Education. Work that shows that I can graduate!
And then with any time left, finding a way to fundraise for this trip.
I have been stressed to say the least.
But out of everything, I am stressed the most about fundraising.
Raising $5000 for India was one thing. Raising $17,000 for the World Race is another.
I’ll be honest. It scares me. The deadlines to have X amount of money by a given date scares me. And that really stresses me out.
I know I shouldn’t be stressed.
Oh but I am.
And this is where my prideful overthinking perfecting personality kicks in.
My pride holds me back. I don’t like to ask people for help, I like to be able to do things on my own. My pride makes it hard for me to reach out and ask for that help. But there is no way I can fundraise on my own! I know I need help, though pressing into my pride is difficult.
My ability to overthink is actually quite incredible. When I think about this trip for too long, I start to second guess myself. And off I go.
“That’s a lot of money. Can I even raise that much?”
“Maybe I’m not supposed to go on this trip.”
“I already announced it though I have to go.”
“But what if I don’t raise enough?”
“I should stay here.”
“What if I leave and I can’t find a job when I come back?”
“I would find a job if I stayed here.”
“No, I need to go on this trip.”
“But can I even raise that much?”
And as if that isn’t enough, I am a perfectionist. Everyone who knows me knows this. I like things organized, I like a plan, I like sticking to that plan. And heaven forbid if things don’t go according to my plans. I planned out, for the most part, how I would like to fundraise for this trip. In my planning I had hoped to have raised more money than I have now. But I haven’t and the perfectionist in me is having a hard time coming to terms.
“But the plan! I’m so off schedule. What is going to happen? Will I be able to raise more? I had a plan!”
And so I stressed.
The other night I was distraught. I had been feeling so distant from Christ and so burdened by what I had been putting on myself, that for once, I cried out for help.
And as I worshiped and prayed, a Bethel song played.
“Be still my heart and know. You are God alone. Stop thinking so much. And just let go.”
And it was like Jesus hit me upside the head.
“This Morgan. You haven’t been doing this.”
Be still? Stop thinking? Let go? Do You know how hard that is for me?
But of course He did. He made me. He “knows my thoughts when I am far away” (Psalm 139:2)
And in my moments when I felt far away, He met me.
I have been very focused on myself. That is plain as day in what I have written.
I have been distraught, stressed out and burned out, because, ready, I have been placing a burden on myself that I was not meant to carry.
I have been trying to do this all on my own.
But since when was this trip even about me?
The World Race is about being the hands and feet of Christ to a broken world.
And He handpicked me for this journey. This trip isn’t about me. It never was about me.
He called me to the World Race. He’s in control of this trip.
And I can step back. Be still. And remember who He is.
The Almighty God who created the Universe holds me.
Why should I fear? Why should I worry?
If He wants me on this trip then He will help me to become fully funded. There is no doubt.
Matthew 11:28 says “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
So I am handing him this burden. I am passing on my prideful, overthinking, perfectionist qualities that hold me back from completely trusting Him. I am going to give him my worry, my stress and my anxiety over fundraising.
I am going to breathe.
I am going to let go.
And I am going to watch Him move.
