It's been over two months since I've blogged, and the process of asking myself why has been interesting. This whole process of preparing for the World Race has been interesting. So, let's see, what's happened since I last blogged: Lots of fundraisers, lots of visiting, I went to Training Camp, and someone new has come into my life. What I've learned over the past two months: I can really crank out some physical labor and on little to no sleep when I'm being powered by the energy of God; the Joy of the Lord truly is mine and in worship this can result in a manifestation of laughter WHICH I LOVE cause it is wonderful and infectious; third, I am a HIGHLY relational person (though I already knew that), but seriously, sitting and talking with folks is so completely fulfilling to me – no need for any other type of work, which, as you can guess, can pose a problem and is one of the reasons I haven't blogged; and fourth, I have commitment issues. Laughing out loud now! This fourth is really funny to me, it's where my "turning conviction into commitment" comes in, and it's the other reason I haven't blogged in two months.
Now, this is where I would like to stop and not be any more transparent and just let you decipher whatever you would like to think about me and my commitment issues, which is kinda funny because I use to reallly worry about not being understood. I apparently don't struggle with that anymore. The new struggle is completely opening myself up and allowing you to see the places in me that God is shining His light on. I enjoy being transparent, but only with things that I have hashed out with God and have since gained a better understanding. That is not the case with this commitment issue. I am still hashing it out and pondering it, which means my feelings on it are still raw and not fully understood; this makes me vunerable. I LOVE being vunerable before God, I struggle being vulnerable before man. Trusting God's promise in Philippians 4:7 that God's peace is guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus, I press forward.
When I have a choice and I am not pressured to get something accomplished, it is hard for me to commit to doing anything outside of my relational life, even when it is beneficial for me. These types of things would include working out, making healthier food choices, practicing my guitar, blogging about my World Race journey, reading, planning what I need to get accomplished for the week and following through with that, and trusting God with my love life. I am a woman of conviction. If the Lord convicts me to do something, I do it! And I appreciate this about myself. God is teaching me more and more about my choices and the freedom I have in them, but He is also teaching me about my responsibilities in my freedom, and in that He is guiding me in what it means to turn my convictions into commitments. We make commitments everyday. Our commitments are a big deal; they affect our forever, even the small everyday choices. Some of these things are just things I really want to do and want to commit to, but some of them are things God has brought to me and I have a responsibility to them.
I have no idea what this is going to look like, turning my convictions into commitments, or how I'm going to walk this out, but Jesus reminds me everyday that it's not about me making a "to-do list" or me being a to-do list, but it's about me coming to Him at the beginning of my day, surrendering my day to Him, and Him transforming me. All I have to do is say "yes."
Yes.
"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me."
Philippians 3:12
~monica
