Hi! I’m in Mongolia, the wildest place on earth!
I’m writing this one on the fly, which might be dangerous.
We had a debrief with our coaches in Beijing last week. I learned a lot and processed a lot. Our squad is going through a process of Abandonment, Brokenness, and Dependence. Maybe I’ll just walk through these with you.
Abandonment. I gave up some sin struggles, my mornings and nights in bed to reading my bible (no phone!), and grouchiness. For someone that loves life and being happy, I have let this big fat cat of anger sit on my table. Ari taught me that when you lift up the angry cat, a squished, hurt little mouse is under him. Under all angry feelings, there is a little hurt heart. Anger is a secondary emotion. *God, you hold my hurt, little heart and my feelings. (Even though they are dramatic and ever-changing!)
All of the things I abandoned bring brokenness because they were pillars of belief in my life. So…
Brokenness. I get my feelings hurt easily. I have this big smudge of pride God has been cleansing me of. I feel like people don’t love me well. It’s awesome that God loves me perfectly. But c’mon, the world doesn’t revolve around me. That may be the most shocking thing I’ve been learning. Funny, but ridiculous. I thought that life was a fashion show and the world was my runway. Instead, I was a slave to sin and the world. Now, I am a slave to God. But when I commit myself to serve God, He puts a robe around me and calls me daughter! Plot twist. *God, I am your bondservant. I am a slave of righteousness. Thanks be to you, God, because I have come to obey from my heart- the pattern of teaching that has now claimed my allegiance. Less of me, Jesus. More of you.
This next part is maybe a little wEiRD. Hopefully my OG’s (original gangsters, so like my fam and Chelsey) are still reading and the fakes are out so they don’t judge me. 🙂 I put a lot of hope in relationships, particularly the ones that bring flowers and romance. (Even though mine have mostly just brought McDonalds). I really hope at least one person is laughing along with me. Anyways…
Another broken part of my heart was fickle and shallow love. I’ve been hurt in past relationships, which has caused me to put up walls around my heart and only pursue the fun stuff. There is a love called “pragma” love. It is a deep, long-lasting love. This is the stuff that doesn’t hold value in the “spark” or “chemistry”, the things that the world says is important. No more. That type of love is really just for the comfort and entertainment of manipulative people like I was. Jenny has taught me a lot, as you all know by now. This morning she said to me that this is a chance for me and the Lord to be one. If I ever get married, I am sharing myself with someone else. Its no longer just about me. Right now, I get to focus on just me and God. What a refreshing perspective. So I’d like to announce I’m going to join a nunnery. *God, thank you for believing in me and making me a beautiful person, starting with my heart. Direct my steps to you. I will praise you as I learn your righteous laws!
I’m learning about who God created me to be. I think its mainly passion, love, big hair, cake, and t-shirts. *God, how can I love better? Help me focus my love and passion for your purpose. I wanna partner with you, God. You know me better than anyone. And you believe in me.
Something else I have been learning is that God is a redeemer. I thought I could forget about boys, figuring out growing up, and maturing. I thought I’d be able to evangelize and the Holy Spirit would change me and then I’d come back all grown up. Unfortunately, He wants me to learn what He has for me. He wants me to be apart of it. Nice, but woah. Seems like a lot of hard work and forsaking myself.
Instead of being a chore, its actually been relieving and freeing! I have prayed freedom over myself by giving God reign over every part of my life. I’ve slowly done it, but hey! It’s hard! God wants to redeem every single area of my life. He doesn’t just fix us, He invites us to join that story.
Dependence is next! We have to fill the empty and broken spots from abandonment with Jesus. I’m gonna be so mature and kind when I get back. Just you wait. *God, thank you for being a redeemer. Be thou my vision. Always forever.
Hi Emily and JD!
