I will be okay
God will take care of me
I will have a good life
I will have good people in my life
I don’t have to know right now
Words that I wrote down in this time of waiting. Words that I’ve had a hard time believing. In this season of not knowing, where it feels like I’m in the dark- He is there holding a lamp unto my feet.
I’ve figured out in this time of isolation and waiting that I don’t actually trust the Lord. Its been so easy for me to say that I do trust Him, it appears that way; traveling the world and saying yes to 9 months of community and serving and being away from loved ones- my yes was so easy to say. But in this time of being in a space of not knowing what tomorrow holds much less a 5 year plan (that I feel the need to have) I can’t lay down a single doubt or fear at His feet.
My trust was tested and it failed miserably.
Dread creeps in forms of “what if” and so many roads of the worst scenarios I can think of race through my head “what if I never get job and can’t support myself” “what if I never get a family of my own”, “what if the people who love me aren’t proud of me”—when I turn around I laugh at myself for thinking such dramatic things. After several attempts at suppressing these thoughts they festered into something I knew I couldn’t keep from God anymore. I had to tell Him what I had been thinking even though He already knew. I told Him I was angry with Him. I had dedicated my life to Him and He couldn’t give me a single answer??
turns out I’m not entitled to what I want from the God of the universe— small moment of humbling lol.
Some things He did answer me with:
I will take care of you.
I died so that you may have an abundant life.
I need you to seek me, not the things I can give you.
I am trustworthy.
When have I ever failed you?
I read once that waiting is a prerequisite to God’s best, it doesn’t mean the waiting will be easy, but He is good no matter what
