I woke up at 3:30 AM and wrote this blog and now I’m posting it at 4:30 AM, here it goes.
This is a blog written about heavy things, things that I’ve been angry about.
It’s mid way through the race, so our squad has had a time of debrief, to be away from ministry and to reflect on what God has done and to look forward with purpose. We have spent a week away from where we live, staying in a hotel rather than a tent. The change of scenery for this week was supposed to be stimulating for rest but has been a source of unrest and unease. At the beginning of the week I was angry at God. I questioned why things happen like: women on our squad being followed home from the mall, men trying to break into our hotel rooms, cows roaming the streets of this city only to eat the trash that overflows the sidewalks, crippled people and children begging for money and not getting the help they need. These things I’ve seen all week. My mind has known the darkness of this world but my eyes saw it this week. A place without God, a place that reveres cows over a sovereign lord.
I came to God with this anger, I asked him why I was seeing these things, why He would create a world that seems to have lost His fingerprints. He showed me that I was not to be angry at him but to redirect it towards the one responsible: the enemy, the one who rules this world with darkness and confusion. I wrote out thoughts in my journal to try and make sense of what I was seeing,
“How is it that God is so good in the times where everything is working out, when I live in a clean place where things are comfortable, but I question everything about His character when I come to such an obviously wretched place. The evil is just masked in a different way. It only looks a different way. The world I live in is not a reflection of the God I serve, it’s a reflection of the brokenness of this world, tainted in darkness. His goodness is not dependent on the goodness in this world. We live in a shadow, a broken mirror version of what it could have been. He is good. This world is not.”
Through writing out the thoughts I had been having, my anger began to shift to somehow see the underlying goodness that God had for us this week. Instead of focusing on the fear and anxiety that was so apparent during debrief, He showed me what I had to be thankful for.
I got to see this week how much my team has grown, individually and together. I got to spend time with my teammates drinking Irish coffee and talking about the goodness of the lord. I got to be poured into by my mentors and leaders. I got to reflect on what all I’ve been able to see and do in these past 4 and a half months and received so much hope for the next half of this journey and beyond. I’m so excited for what’s to come.
To my supporters and the people who have lifted me up in prayer for these past months: thank you. I’ve been overwhelmed in gratitude for the sacrifices that people have made for me, I wouldn’t be able to do these things without your help and prayer. Some days are hard but every day is so rewarding and reflecting on this time has truly shown me this. Thank you to the people who simply read my blogs and encourage me on this journey, it literally means so much! I’ll say it a million times more, THANK YOU!
