I am in a war right now. A battle between what I know I should be feeling, what I know God wants, but what I know the enemy is doing.
We arrived in Haiti a little over a week ago. On our way we had a layover in NYC, I got to see my dad and twin thanks to my wonderful mom! It was so good to hang out with them. We ate Mexican food, I took a nice hot shower, and slept in a comfy big bed. It was all I could have wanted and more! But, it was somewhat of a tease to be back in the comforts of America because we still aren’t done with the race yet.
So here we are, month 10. As many of my squad mates have said, we are tired. Tired of community living, tired of missing home, and even tired of ministry, honestly. It’s been a long, hard, exhausting time, so the enemy is trying to use this against me.
Last month in Zimbabwe, we had an amazing host, and our ministry was flourishing. We saw so many people come to know the Lord. We gave out over a hundred bibles. We were bold, brave, and in tune with the Holy Spirit in us. I truly believe a revival could and will happen there. God was all in that place.
But, on the race we have come to learn, that when a really good thing is happening, the enemy is right there with us. He loves using spiritual warfare against us.
Spiritual warfare comes in all shapes and forms: nightmares, exhaustion, fear, and so many other ways. Right now, the enemy has a strong hold on me with apathy. Ever sense we left Zimbabwe, and even a couple of days before we left Chinhoyi (Ministry city in Zim), I started getting an overwhelming sense of not caring. It crossed over into Haiti. I was super excited to see my family, and that was the first time I’d had some extreme feelings in a couple of days. It was short lived as I only had a couple of hours with them during my layover.
We got to Haiti and we were picked up by our host. We were headed to our place about an hour and a half away. I hardly talked the whole ride. Pretty much listened to music and watched the country pass me by. We even had an hour or so road block and I still just sat there, not really caring. Which in a situation like that, can be good- at least I wasn’t impatient, right? But for the most part, it’s been a struggle.
Since I first decided I wanted to come on the race I knew I wanted to work in an orphanage. Finally month 10 is here, it’s my time, God answered my prayers, and I can’t seem to find a care in the world about it. I know I should be happy. I know I should be loving it. But I’ve woken up every day for the last week and thought “Alright, well it’s another day, do I really have to go down to ministry today?” when I know I should wake up and think “Wow God, you have blessed me with this amazing opportunity and I get to work with these sweet babies today! Thank you.”
I would say I have struggle with apathy before. I mean I went to college and I know where were times I just didn’t give a shit about what I was doing (my mom can probably attest to this— also sorry for the bad word, mom). I made it through those times, and I will make it through this one too. One of the biggest steps of fighting spiritual warfare is knowing it’s happening. It can be hard to spot, but once you know- pray, pray it away. Pray some more, and then pray again just to be sure.
We are so close to being home. We have less than 2 months until we are home for good and I would hate to spend it not caring about what God has in store for me. I know He has big plans for me and I don’t want to waste this time He has given me, or waste the money that so many of you have donated to me.
I am not the only one on my team struggling with this right now, and we have been praying it away, but I would also like to ask you at home to pray for us as well. The more prayers the better. We are fighting a battle that has already been won. God will win against the enemy, but extra prayers can never hurt.
