“Trust issues”
Nobody thinks they have them, but most people do.
I didn’t realize how I hold on to trust until coming on the race. My natural instinct is to not trust people, and sometimes I don’t even realize that I don’t trust people.
I’m pretty self-sufficient. I can go through life just with the few close people that I have and be perfectly fine.
So being thrown on a team with people who you didn't know 6 months ago and some you normally wouldn’t hang out with is tough. Especially for someone who doesn’t trust.
So for the past four and a half months I’ve shared some of the things that go on in my crazy head, but I’ve always held back. Even at home, most people don’t know what I actually think or feel. I’m pretty sure I’ve become an expert at hiding that stuff. But come to find out, that was just a defense mechanism. No one can hurt me if I keep them at an arms distance, and I’m perfectly fine with leaving them there.
Trust is just not a small deal to me. It’s a pretty big one.
When I do trust, I put my all into the relationship; it’s just not something that I take lightly. At all.
My team mates know this. They know that trust doesn’t come easy for me. They even know that I’ve kept them an arm’s length away and that maybe some of them were at my elbow.
We have this thing called feedback. This is where we meet together and help each other grow every day. We address things that weren’t so Christ like and the things that were. We build each other up and help each other become more like Christ.
One night, one of my team mates addressed this trust issue that I have. She said, “Molly, sometimes I think you try to do this whole thing by yourself.”
And you know what. I do.
I could get by, by myself just like I do at home. And really, I could on the race too.
I could just get through every day, refuse to dig in with my team mates, and go back home the same person I was before.
But is that what God really wants me to do?
I think God knows how stubborn I am. He knows that He sometimes has to kick me before I move.
This week I got some new about my family. Not the, “Oh! We are so happy and everything is going great” news. It was the “Your brother might have to have major surgery and your sister is going through something really hard, so that means you’re parents are struggling too” news.
Wonderful.
I’m extremely family oriented. My family comes before anyone else. We are crazy supportive of each other and we are crazy protective of each other. So here I am sitting half away around the world from my family and they’re having some hard times.
My first thought is “I’ve abandoned them.”
But I know that’s not true. I know God has me here for a reason. There’s no doubt in my mind. But the horrible feeling of wanting to be somewhere else but knowing that you need to be where you are is just really tough.
So where does trust come into the picture?
Well. I have a choice. Well. Actually two.
- I can choose to do this thing on my own and deal with this by myself OR I can put my arm down and fall into the arms of my team and let them take care of me.
- I can choose to keep worrying about my family and basically deteriorate myself OR I can hand them over to God and let Him take care of them.
I wish I could tell you that I’ve made my decision and that’s that. That’s not the case.
Trust is a daily decision I’m going to have to make.
There will be some days that I’m going to do it. I’ll hug my friends tighter and cry on their shoulder, and sometimes I’ll act like nothing is wrong so I can be “strong”.
But the daily choice is mine.
I have to make the decision to trust. Daily.
