Have you ever cleaned out your room and found your old journal? The old journal that no one has seen and that you would burn so no one ever could? That’s what I found while cleaning out my room while in this process of getting ready to leave for The World Race. It was hidden in the very back corner of my desk and it probably hasn’t seen light in years. I pick it up and knew exactly what it was. I was afraid to open it. It was filled with Bible verses and had study after study paper clipped to its pages.
But the journal I was holding filled with God’s Word wasn’t filled with love; it was filled with hate,
When I wrote in that horrible purple journal I was at a pretty low place in my life. People were pointing fingers at me and I did not like it. I’m the type of person that if your lips are talking about me and the things you think I shouldn’t be doing, there’s a problem (I’m working on that by the way)
So when I opened my Bible and my journal I wasn’t trying to better myself and grow closer to God, I was pointing a finger right back at the people who were pointing theirs at me. Even though almost every word was straight from the Bible they were full of hate (especially the highlighted ones)
I was so focused on being angry at the people trying to make my mistakes known, that I didn’t look at what they were pointing out. The stuff I needed to really pay attention to and take care of.
I blinded myself.
I was really sinning.
And I didn’t want anyone to know.
If you didn’t know this already here’s a little secret…
Sin more often than not leads to heartbreak and heart ache and all kinds of other unbearable pain. And that’s exactly what happened not too long after I had written the journal.
When I found the journal I didn’t even want to open it. It felt so heavy in my hands. I didn’t want to own up what the pages within it held.
But I eventually opened it. I flipped through the pages not wanting to read any of it. I landed on a page that had the lyrics to “I am” by Nichole Nordeman” written on it….which really seemed out of place.
The song talks about some of the pain most women experience throughout life.
First the pain of a young child; of being scared of monsters under her bed and the pain of a bicycle spill.
Then the pain of a teenager; the pain of mistakes made and a broken heart.
Then the pain and struggles of motherhood and married life.
I find myself in between stages.
I’ve made my mistakes (and I’m sure there’s more to come)
I’ve had my heart broken.
And just like the song says I can come to my Creator, my Heart-Ache Healer, my Superhero, my Savior, my Secret-Keeper, my Best Friend and He’ll hold my hand.
No matter what mistakes I’ve made or how broken my heart is.
