I’ve known that I need to write a blog for a while now. But I haven’t. I think my pride is getting in the way a little bit. I don’t want to admit that I’m struggling with a lot of things. I don’t want other people to think I’m weak. I want them to think that I’m independent and can handle anything that life throws at me without any help from anyone else. But in reality…
I can’t.
My pride is just one of the few things I’ve been questioning. I question my motives on a daily basis. I question whether or not I’m a, quote, “good person” on a daily basis. I question why I’m here on a daily basis. I question why my family is going what they’re going through on a daily basis. I question the goodness of God on a daily basis. I question whether or not He actually hears me and wants to talk to me on a daily basis.
Lots of questions.
Lots of doubts that I’ve never had before.
And it scares me.
I was talking to my friend, Jesse, this morning spilling my guts to her about these things; these things that I haven’t been able to formulate sentences for. I was telling her that I know what it’s like to not hear from the Lord and to feel so far away from Him. I know what it feels like to think like you are doing life on our own without Him. And that life is scary. It’s where I’ve made most of my mistakes that I never want to make again.
I think I’m afraid to be angry at God though. I’m afraid of where that will lead me. For some reason I think that God will lash out on me if I do.
There’s a part of me that is telling me that I should have all of this together by now. It’s month 10…almost month 11… of the race and I’m going to leave a mess and then they’ll be no hope; that this is month 3 stuff. Doubts. Struggles. Dry spells. This shouldn’t be happening now. I should be strong. I should be encouraging others. I should be on fire for what I’m doing and where I am.
But I’m not.
And my pride is going to have to get over it and be okay with the place I’m in and stop telling me where it thinks I should be.
I’m tired. And I get even more tired when I think of what I’m walking into right when I walk off the plane. Right back into taking care of everyone else and neglecting myself. It makes me tired. And it makes me scared.
Usually, if you ask me about something tough, I get so excited that I get to tell you that it will all be worth it in the end and telling you that it won’t last forever; you just have to push through and it’ll be better. You’ll be better. I’m usually a fan of the tough stuff.
But in doing that I think I’ve become so eager to get to the other side that I forget what I’m doing. I forget what I’m feeling and the struggle at hand. And I think I’ve neglected to take care of some stuff that the Lord wanted to me take care of. That can’t happen anymore.
I don’t want to miss things the Lord has for me because I’m so focus on getting to the outcome….being that “better person”.
Maybe I shouldn’t focus on that anymore. In a sense, working to make myself “better” is a form of pride and selfishness. Self-deprecation and always striving to be something better is just as unhealthy as being prideful or arrogant, it’s being focused on only myself.
Maybe I just need to sit here for a bit and try to listen. Maybe I’ve just dug myself into a hole and now I’m sitting in it.
I don’t know what I’m going to do next.
I don’t know what tomorrow is going to look or feel like.
I don’t know when all of this will be over.
I don’t really know much of anything.
But I know that I want to focus on where God has me now, not where I’m going to be.
Last month I asked God for a challenge…and boy, did He give me one.
