For a summer it has been a memory; distant, vague, deep, yet un-invasive.
Not that I’ve forgotten about the year I just lived, I can never forget, but rather I found myself able to continue on, seemingly unscathed. At least for a summer.
And now it appears there’s nothing like being in a foreign city, all by my lonesome, with unprecedented time on my hands, to make me realize the dire need to address all that happened from July 2014 to May 2015. And understand how I am not untouched by it. Its influence was poignant in ways I can’t express.
So here I am, sitting in my blessed studio apartment amidst a favorite neighborhood of Montreal, crying as I consider it all.
And I’m dealing with the emotions of so many crazy factors of my life. Let me say, there are a lot of factors contributing to this prompting of self-reflection. But amidst that, there’s the factor of my past year, a year I cannot make sense out of, a year that yields a task of processing which seems so daunting that thus far I’ve failed to even try. Until now.
Somehow life seemed to accelerate without my notice. Until arriving in Montreal where now I find that all the time in the world is mine. Perhaps now it is time to remember. And in more detail than just a memory.
Yesterday as I was reflecting, I wrote the only words I could find that expressed my recollection of our struggles. They were as follows…
What was it all for?
What did it all mean?
How did it affect who I am?
It was remarkable
And it was terrifying
To consider it
Or even begin to understand
Quite the undertaking
But is it a burden?
Some have reminded me that I lived my dream.
They are not wrong.
But perhaps they don’t realize it came with a price.
“It’s okay to be afraid, but it will never be the same”
The hurt lingers
The hurt that is projected by hurt
I wonder if I truly knew the weight of what I lived at the time
Our community that stung
It was poisonous
But it was not always that way
So now we are apart
Dispersed
And probably for the best
But how do we go on?
True reconciliation between all will not come for many years
And never altogether
To think of the places I’ve travelled, the people I met, inspiring
To think of those I bore, others’ baggage I carried, exhausting
The generosity of grace, to never be repaid
Eventually it’s all spent
A snapshot into the reality of God
How is one to make sense of the experience?
Compartmentally it’s all sorted
Together it remains enigmas
The situation, it was all unfair for everyone
What were we to do?
It couldn’t be fixed
We could not fix it
We could not bring resolution
God must bring redemption
It will come for all of us
In different forms
At different times
But redemption will come
Do we extend the same grace to each other as we do to those that make up our ministry?
Yet today, as I’ve been thinking of the individuals that made up my teams and my squad, and as I reminisced, viewing our “Year of E Squad” video, I rediscovered my love for E Squad. I still love E Squad. Perhaps now, after it all, so much more than I did in the beginning.
I love E Squad because we were, and are, real. I love us by the way we struggled. After all, the struggle only demonstrated care, as apathy remains the opposite of love. We cared, we loved, we fought, we bore, we finished.
Did we succeed? Who’s to say. I don’t know if I would call our squad a success. But we did live life authentically, we dealt with the issues, and we forever maintained integrity.
I love E Squad. And I know this because when I think of each individual that it encompasses, I can remember that person with genuine love.
When I think of the squad, I see so much, I see all views, I forget my own. Is this objective stance a blessing or a curse? I cannot say. But it was entrusted to me, perhaps not solely, but still with an intention.
So what happened to E Squad? It’s hard to say. So much more than just that climax. Maybe we will always wonder. The answer is not convergent amongst us.
But we continue on in our respective presents. And I believe that we are meant to remember E Squad, for reasons dependent on each person. I cannot say what is right for others. But as for me, I will remember E Squad in truth, and with love.
