There are times in which one is paralyzed within themselves.
In these moments, you feel too much and yet, can’t feel at all.
Your thoughts are constantly cycling yet they cannot seem to form an idea.
The white noise becomes too loud and next thing you know, you are straining to hear just that one voice. And in your own feeble perception, it goes silent.
What does one do in those moments?
What is there to do really?
I don’t have the answer. And so in reaction, I cried.
I cried because I was confused and lost within myself and I felt small. I cried to my Father in those tears pleading for an answer, “What is happening? What is going on within me?”
And very softly, as I kept my gaze on the darkness through the aircrafts window, I heard Him calmly yet clearly say to me. “I am still here, its okay.”
That was all I needed to hear as it reminded my heart of that consistent truth. But sure enough, God granted more than I needed. For when He provides, He provides in abundance.
Midway through that flight, our plane flew over the most majestic lighting storm. Above the storm clouds, I witnessed the remarkable clash and flash of lightening below. It was one of the most beautiful moments I’ve observed. Each bolt of lightning illuminated the cluster of clouds with a royal purple hue. And it disappeared as soon as it came. But the bolt only illuminated its own cluster of clouds. The clouds consumed all the light that was released, making itself startling and explosive yet keeping the surrounding space dark. And as we were soaring above the clusters, the storms seemed so controlled and lacked intimidation. They radiated magnificence while displaying no harm. I saw God in those lightning storms. And as I was soaking up the magnificence, I knew that it was just for me.
God showed up in that lightning demonstrating His power, His majesty, His glory, His beauty. But He also demonstrated His comfort. Our God is a personal one and He relates to us in the most personal of ways. I have always seen God through the clouds, the rain, the storms, the snow, for as long as I can remember. The more I seek His brilliance in the weather, the more I find Him in His fullness. And in that moment, travelling from Romania to Qatar, searching for a peace amidst the complexity of myself, He came to me in the most impressionable of ways.
After that, I no longer felt small, I felt precious. No, I did not find clarity in my thoughts or emotions. I still don’t understand what was happening within me at that time. But once I was given the assurance that God was with me, I didn’t need that clarity.
“It’s okay.”
Glory, glory, hallelujah.
“At this also my heart trembles and leaps out of its place.
Keep listening to the thunder of his voice
and the rumbling that comes from his mouth.
Under the whole heaven he lets it go,
and his lightning to the corners of the earth.
After it his voice roars;
He thunders with his majestic voice,
and he does not restrain the lightnings when his voice is hear.
God thunders wondrously with his voice;
He does great things that we cannot comprehend.
For to the snow he says, ‘Fall on the earth,’
likewise to the downpour, his mighty downpour.
He seals up the hand of every man,
that all men whom he made may know it.
Then the beasts go into their lairs,
and remain in their dens.
From its chamber comes the whirlwind,
and cold from the scattering winds.
By the breath of God ice is given,
and the broad waters are frozen fast.
He loads the thick cloud with moisture;
the clouds scatter his lightning.
They turn around and around by his guidance,
to accomplish all that he commands them
on the face of the habitable world.
Whether for correction or for his land
or for love, he causes it to happen.
Hear this, O Job;
stop and consider the wondrous works of God.
Do you know how God lays his command upon them
and causes the lightning of his cloud to shine?
Do you know the balancings of the clouds,
the wondrous works of him who is perfect in knowledge,
you whose garments are hot when the earth is still because of the south wind?
Can you, like him, spread out the skies,
hard as a cast metal mirror?
Teach us what we shall say to him;
we cannot draw up our case because of darkness.
Shall it be told him that I would speak?
Did a man ever wish that he would be swallowed up?
And now no one looks on the light
when it is bright in the skies,
when the wind has passed and cleared them.
Out of the north comes golden splendor;
God is clothed with awesome majesty.
The Almighty—we cannot find him;
He is great in power;
justice and abundant righteousness he will not violate.
Therefore men who fear him;
He does not regard any who are wise in their own conceit.”
-Job 37
