Many people who know me know that I have been preparing to be a physician assistant since sophomore year of college. They also know that I applied to PA school after graduating from college, but didn’t get in. But “That’s okay, it’s really competitive. I’ll strengthen my resume and apply again.” And if they look, that’s what I’ve done. I found a job to get more experience hours, I took some more classes to open up my options for schools, I volunteered; I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. But deep inside, I was suffering.
I felt lost, alone, and hopeless. I felt like a failure. I always tried to keep a smile on my face, but was being eaten up inside. I couldn’t help but wonder why God allowed all of these other people to get into school, but not me? I wanted it so badly, and his answer was no? I knew he must have had a good reason, so I tried to keep moving forward, all the while feeling like I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. Deep down I think I knew I was going in the wrong direction, but I didn’t know where else to go, so I just kept going.
Still feeling lost, and somewhat stuck, I began searching for a way out. I wanted some hope, a sense of belonging, just something to hold on to. I began seeking my identity through money, alcohol, fashion, anything that could make me feel better about myself. Those obviously were short-lived and I kept finding myself in a deeper hole and more frustrated than before. I felt like I was running around screaming for help, but no one could hear me.
I finally decided I was sick of it. All of it. I was sick of living in fear and shame and guilt. I was sick of the superficial and immediate pleasures that only got me further from where I wanted to be. I was sick of living a life of lies, and I eventually grew to not like who I was. I knew I needed to change and I knew how I needed to do it.
I have known God my whole life, but this was the first time I was actively trying to have a meaningful relationship with him and seek him for my identity instead of “things”. And for some reason, I thought from then on it would be easy. My relationship with him grew, but so did my expectations. I think I had it in my head that if I kept pursuing him, he would eventually give me what I wanted. I kept trying harder and harder to trust him, but nothing ever changed. My trust didn’t change, my desires didn’t change, my life didn’t change. The only thing that changed was I now had more guilt because now I actually cared about doing the right things. I was frustrated. And then would become more frustrated because I was supposed to be trusting God through all of this. As my sister, Matti, put it: “She gets frustrated, and then gets frustrated that she is frustrated.” But I wanted to change. I remember actually yelling at God one night, “Here I am, God! I am telling you I want to change, telling you I am ready to put the past behind me and give you my whole heart. What are you waiting for? Isn’t this what you want?” I felt he was holding out on me. But he wasn’t; he was preparing me.
Stepping forward a couple months, my church was putting together a team to go to Haiti. I immediately knew I wanted to go, being that I had been there before and remember the effect it had on me. When asked my reason for wanting to go, my response was simply that I needed to remember what is important in life. I needed to get my bearings, get back in the right perspective. I was still drowning in my own misery and I was looking for anything to get me out. God allowed me to put myself aside while we were there, keeping my worries and complaints about all the details in my life to a minimum, and instead he helped me just love on the people the best I could. And you know what? I realized I had forgotten what love was all about. Here I was, asking for all of these things, but I really wasn’t willing to give anything in return.
From then on I decided I wanted to bring life back into my life. I realized I felt most like myself while in Haiti. Not the self I had been trapped inside for so long, but the self that I knew I wanted to be, who I was in God. I tried to be more positive about everything and tried to thank God for things instead of just ask him for more. I began appreciating what I had taken for granted for so long. I was still confused about which direction I was going, but I vowed I would keep on strong, trust God, and give love along the way. Sometimes I just get such a kick out of God. After years of waiting for something to happen with my life, I finally had a bit of peace with where I was and my plan of where I was going (I’m really good at coming up with plans), and that’s when he decides to make his move.
I was searching the internet on May 1st and came across a girl’s Facebook page, noticing it said she was a “Racer at World Race”. Being that I have a love for traveling and long to see the world, and also enjoy running, I thought it sounded pretty interesting. So I searched it, and immediately started crying. I found out it had nothing to do with running, but it had everything to do with what I didn’t know I was really looking for.
I had felt lost for so long, and suddenly my eyes were opened and I knew what I needed to do. I have never been the best at discerning God, and I have for sure never felt him so strongly tell me to do something, that it is almost to the point where I kind of think I am crazy. I am one who tends to follow the rules, do things “right”, and now I am just picking up and leaving? It’s scary and it’s confusing, but I don’t care. This feeling is something I have never experienced before, and I need to chase it. It’s like my tears were carrying out all of my fears and guilt and shame, leaving room for me to finally feel alive again. I know some people aren’t going to understand this, and I have been trying to think of some way to explain it the best I can, and I think it’s similar to what I imagine falling in love would be like. It doesn’t make sense, yet at the same time makes perfect sense. It’s like nothing else seems to matter; your heart is captivated.
I have no idea where this is going to bring me or what I will do after, but finally I am okay with leaving the plans to God. I want to find out more about who God is and who I am. I am ready to be broken a hundred more times and from now on let God do the fixing. They say you are supposed to do the things that excite your spirit, and now that I know what that means, I think it would be impossible not to.
My lover spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.” -Song of Solomon 2:10
