Coming back to America. Less than a week. So many feelings.
I have struggled with writing a “I’m coming home” blog for awhile. What if I say all these things that I need when I get back, and no one reads it? What if no one understands me anymore? What if I can’t communicate what I need, or what I am excited for? All these thoughts plagued my mind.
I have read so many other squad mates blogs about coming home, and they are perfect! They make sense to me, (in my head I yell ‘yes’ and point animatedly to the screen) and I have thought about just copy and paste the blog to my name. But that’s cheating, and I can’t do that. They did give me some great ideas though.
So this blog will be one of several “I’m coming home” blogs. So these are a few things I would like you to know.
- I’m still Molly. I’m still the person who left a year ago. I still have green eyes, and blondish hair (I added a little blue on my birthday, but it’s gone now). Still can’t really play the guitar as well as I hoped, but the guitar has had some good use in the last year. I still wear my hair up most of the time, or literally every day for the past year. I’m still passionate about a lot of things, not shocking news. But, I might be a little different on the inside. I might do things a little differently, or say weird things that don’t make sense, but that’s a new normal. I speak more of what’s on my mind, I can say the hard things that you might not want to say or hear, and I view a lot of things differently. Please don’t treat me like a weird space alien that has come back to Earth. I’m different, but not that different.
- I’m still working through things. I’m not cured of all my problems and insecurities. It’s always going to be a work in progress. But God has done some amazing things in my life! Some of these things are harder to explain, but I want to share these things with people. Some of the things that God is doing in my life might not make sense to me, or it won’t have an affect until a later date. But just know that I’m not perfect, and God is still working in my life. I didn’t leave everything behind, leave the country and my comforts for 11 months to suddenly come home cured. I came to be healed, to strengthen my relationship with the Lord, and to serve all over the world. (Please don’t ask the question “What has God done in your life?” –What do you want to know? What day or week are you referring to?)
- I have gone through something that most people at home won’t understand. Give me grace. I have to remember to extend the same to you. There are things about me that will frustrate you, or you might not like. And that’s completely fine! But instead of lashing out or being distant or whatever, step back a moment and give me some grace. In the same way, I know that some people are going to frustrate me, or I’m going to get bothered by something. I know that I can’t make a rash judgment. I need to extend grace. (Imagine what God is like up in Heaven… Like “Duh, you idiots, what have I been doing for you your whole life….” Well He probably wouldn’t call us idiots, or any of the other stuff… But I said imagine!) So there might be times I get frustrated if you are always on your phone, but I have to give grace because you didn’t go 7 months without one. But when I freak out in a social setting because of x,y, or z, please give me grace. I have lived life around people who don’t speak English, or lived through a situation that might give me ‘PTSD’.
- I have watched you live your life through Facebook, but I still want to hear about everything that has happened. Little to big stuff, it is nice to hear. I don’t want to have to talk all the time about my life, so please share about your life! Share the good and bad moments. Show me pictures; show me around the new house, take me to a park that you love going to or whatever.
- I don’t know what is next after the race ends. End of story. I have some excellent plans on Pinterest for my little brother, Eli and I to do when I get back and before school starts. I plan to road trip out to Montana with some people. I want to see all my friends and family that live farther away. And that’s about it. And I’m so OK with that, which is something that has taken some work to get to. Please don’t stress getting a job, or constantly asking about what’s next. I know those pressures, trust me, I have been wrestling them for awhile. I want this time in my life to spend time with family, and visit friends, but also to listen to where God wants me. When I figure it out, I will tell you, or ask your for help. But until then, just want to spend time with me, and hold off on the questions or suggestions about what’s next.
- Please, please, please ask me to hang out! I want to see you and hang out, but ask. Please don’t assume I will seek you out. I know you will be busy and still have your life and job and all that stuff. But I want to see you, if it just over coffee or dinner. I foresee myself being a hermit, after Eli and my mom going back to school. So invite me to do things and hang out!
- I have also done some crazy things in the year. So if I want to hang out while walking around the zoo (Science museum, art gallery, grocery store, Wal Mart) or something, say yes. Or if you want to do something weird or normal, tell me, and I will (probably) do it. Or coffee dates, I’m good at those too. Or walking. I can walk and talk like I’ve been doing it my whole life. *also know, I haven’t been working for the past year, so finances are not all there*
- I will be socially awkward. Don’t mind me. If that would bother you, maybe you should wait off to hang out until I become acclimated into society again.
- I might go to the wrong side of the car to get in. I’m extremely confused on what is the normal side the driver should be on, or what side to drive on. Driving by myself might be scary for everyone else on the road, but it should get better. Hopefully. Just laugh, and redirect me, happens all the time. Also remind me to put a seat belt on, 11 months without one is starting to be a bad habit.
- Be open to change. I have learned the importance of feedback, and changing in a good way. I can see things in a different light sometimes, and I might share it. Please just be open to hearing me out. But in the same way, I’m working on hearing other’s opinions even if I don’t agree, so be vocal! Change isn’t scary all the time. And know it is coming from the heart, because I love you, and want you to be the best you can be!
- I might make a big deal about something so little. Like a bowl of cereal. I might just stare at it, or cry with happiness, or something weird like that. But don’t worry. You might get a chance to see things from my perspective, and not take it for granted like I did once. (Cereal, real milk, hot dogs, MAC & CHEESE!!!!!! Just to name a few)
- Please don’t ask me how my year was. That is the hardest question to answer. The best thing that I can think of is to be as specific as possible in your questions. Example: “You went swimming with sharks, what was the scariest thing that happened?” (I have an answer to that!) Specific questions causes me to think and give you a unique answer, not some cookie cutter question to which I give a cookie cut answer that I have given to the last 20 people. I am looking forward to hard questions! Also this shows that you paid attention to what I did, which will make me like you even more! But this opens a door for me to share on a different level because I know you followed my journey. I won’t have to start at the beginning of my journey, covering 11 months of things.
- Recently, I have pictured my race life in a little capsule. It doesn’t seem like I have been gone for 11 months. But I have! I have been in this little metal capsule, while life is speeding past me. The capsule gets shaken, bounced on the ground, thrown around, and only fed rice. This thought process might be dependent on the fact I just watched Narnia. The kids go into Narnia, changes their lives. But when they exit the wardrobe, they were the same kids physically, but just lived different lives that no one would understand. This is me. Without all the animal human hybrids and fighting a war, and becoming a queen. Although I was called Queen Molly at a refugee camp…. Maybe I was in Narnia!
So now that I came to the realization that I might have been in Narnia, I’m going to end on that note.
