Surprise! I have commitment issues. It probably actually isn’t a surprise to most people who know me. I can never be counted on to decide on a restaurant or a time to meet. My go-to phrase is usually “I don’t care”. I can’t decide on whether moving to Montana is what will happen, or even what I want to do when I get back from the Race. I can’t get a tattoo that I really want because I have commitment issues. (among other reasons too) I can’t go on dates (not that there is a line of guys knocking down my door) because I have always wanted to ‘date to marry’… and then I start thinking about marriage, and how, holy cow, that’s a heck of a commitment. Then I start to minorly panic, (minorly=not a word, but I’m not currently to the stage or majorly, so it has to work) and then I go back to my mindset of ‘I don’t need a boyfriend, I like being single”.
Up until Malaysia, I used this excuse often. I didn’t realize how big of a problem it was until some teammates were asking questions about why I never date, ever, while riding on a bus one night. The only way I can explain what happened was I started freaking out, getting red faced (not in an angry red-faced way, but more of an embarrassment of my panic), and couldn’t complete one single sentence. On a public bus in KL, a huge city in Malaysia. It was then and there that I decided I needed to get to the root of this commitment issue. I can’t have any more of these ‘episodes’ on public transportation or anywhere really.
So I started journaling. And things came out that I didn’t realize were a thing. I wrote down all of my fears about the biggest commitment, dating. I couldn’t even begin to touch the whole marriage thing (Yikes!). I wrote down most of my fears, and left them there. I don’t think I am done with the list, but for now it works.
Fast forward to this past weekend at the church camp with Straits Baptist Church. *Note: nothing about the sessions come remotely close to any of these subjects… totally the Holy Spirit prompting this*
So I needed to write, again. I should know that when that feeling arises, something big is going on in my mind and it needs released. That whole subconscious thing and the Holy Spirit. I start writing, and I’m talking about competitiveness (this did come from the church camp). Then all of a sudden, this word pops up. Disappointment. And I can’t stop writing about it.
“Another thing I noticed, and really for the first time acknowledged was how being around competitive people affect me. I don’t like what that brings up in myself. I don’t like the competitiveness that comes out in me. I struggle to see the good in people. I don’t like the thought process going through my mind. It’s negative and usually the very opposite of loving. And that’s probably why I would quit a sport once people became competitive. I blamed it as not being ‘fun’ anymore, which was true. But looking back, I just didn’t like who I became when things became competitive. I wonder if it stems from people pleasing or lack of. Thinking about it, it might have been because I knew I was going to be a disappointment. I will never live up to people’s standards, so I give up before it becomes a problem. For example, I knew growing up, my older brother was smarter (4.0, Valedictorian), and so I floated by in school. I didn’t push myself. I knew I could never be a sports superstar, so I tried the least bit possible, tried enough to have fun in a sport. Two of my brother’s relationships both ended in marriage, one being the only girl he ever dated. And in my failed attempt in high school to date someone, I didn’t get anywhere, but farther away from marriage. This so-called relationship gave me anger, gave me resentment, and now my relationship with my younger brother is forever damaged/distant. And that sucks. Period. And maybe that’s another reason I don’t want to date; I don’t want to ruin the most important relationships in my life, my family. Or that any relationship that I start will never be enough, it will always disappoint.”
So… that was a lot. Things that I didn’t realize had such a big impact on me. I knew the word disappointment comes up a lot in my life, but I didn’t realize I had been letting it control my life. I know that Satan is telling me that I am not enough. God would NEVER say that, because He tells me I am loved and wanted and enough. But in my search to find contentment in commitment, disappointment is my first hurdle.
I don’t want to be disappointed in something or someone. But more importantly, I don’t want to be a disappointment to people. I don’t want to disappoint my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-laws. I don’t want to disappoint my extended family. I don’t want to disappoint my friends. I don’t want to disappoint myself. And no matter what I tell myself, and listen to what God has to say, this theme of disappointment comes forward.
I run from commitment. I ‘fade’ in many things. I call myself a ‘fader’. I run from commitment because I am scared of disappointing myself and people.
There is no epic tale of a breakthrough happening in Malaysia. Just a journaling session telling me something was wrong. Just a feeling of the Holy Spirit telling me that I need to share this. Just a blog of where I am at. Just a blog that hopefully can be a prayer request.
So this blog isn’t the finality, it’s just the beginning. I’m not cured of my disappointment fear and commitment issue. In fact, I teared up a little writing it, for many reasons. This is a progressive blog. Hopefully someday it will be a happy ending of no more freaking out on public buses in Malaysia, but that is in the Lord’s hands.
