As most of you know I have returned to my home in Dayton, OH for a month or so in order to fully recover from Dengue Fever and now, Post Dengue Syndrome. The trip home was a hard one, full of turbulence and exhaustion, but that is ok. I have been on the mission field for 5 months now, I am used to travel, I am used to being exhausted, I am used to uncomfortable situations. I am used to having less, living in 3rd world situations, and making due with the little I have. I have seen how people live in poverty, and have experienced it along side them.
I made the conscious effort to leave the comforts of home behind, to abandon the day-to-day luxuries I had become accustom to, and to face the world ahead what ever it brought my way. I have seen sickness, injuries, starvation, disease, hopelessness, sorrow, pain, suffering; things I would never face in a million years in the states, and these experiences have changed me.
“How do you pick up the threads of an old life…when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back…” -J.R.R. Tolkien (Frodo)
It was nice returning to the comforts of home. Having feathery pillows, fluffy towels, and soft toilet paper. Having my familiar safe room, with my familiar safe dog, and my familiar loving parents. Having a well stocked fridge and pantry. All very nice, but all very overwhelming. I am not use to having my clothes smell nice, like fabric softener, let alone having drawers and racks of clothes to choose from. I am not use to the abundance that I returned home to. It is so opposite of what I have come to know and be “use to”.
The second day I was home mid-afternoon came around and my Father asked if I wanted a snack; although I have not been hungry for over a month, I said “yes” knowing that food=energy and energy=healing. Not a minute later my dad presented me with a small plate featuring crackers, summer sausage, and two types of cheese. As I took the plate a wave of distress came over me and I started to cry. I have only recently returned from a country where some children don’t even get more than one meal and for some reason I got a afternoon snack with 2 separate kinds of cheeses! I couldn’t comprehend it. It doesn’t seem fair. Not only do I have food, but I have a choice of which food I’d like to eat. I was overwhelmed to the point of tears, and there was another emotion there as well… guilt, maybe? I’m honestly not quite sure.
It may seem like a small foolish issue, and you may be thinking, “chill out, you’ve lived like that your entire life, it will go back to normal”, but I hope it doesn’t. There’s no use trying to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then. I hope I never become complacent or entitled to what I have. I hope that I am always thankful for the little things. Finally I hope I move forward in life, excited that there is no going back from these experiences, encouraged with the fact that there is no way to fall back instep with who I use to be, and determined to use these small occurrences to continue to be compassionate towards others.
