I have been “cat-called” more times than I can count. I have been “grabbed at” twice the amount of fingers I have on both hands. I have had to be “claimed” by male squad-mates as their wife, fiancée, girlfriend, or sister so that other strange men will leave me alone. I am rarely allowed to travel alone, walk alone, go on a run alone, etc. because the risk of something dangerous happening is far too high.
This is a norm. As a woman working abroad, this is expected to happen.
You see, I am an oddity. I am a 5 foot 10 inch, redheaded, American, female. You don’t normally see anything like me in Africa, Asia, Central America, etc… but that still doesn’t make those behaviors from men okay.
And to be clear, these things happen to basically every women, no matter their hight, hair color, ethnicity, or any other quirk God has blessed them with. It even happens to men more times than you would think. You’ll meet person after person with similar stories of disrespect, assault, and abuse.
When I was in high school, I was sexually assaulted. It wasn’t by a stranger, it was by someone who I had known and trusted for a good chunk of my life… and for some reason that made sense to me at the time, I kept quiet about it… I kept it bottled up till I had a meltdown on a public bus in college.
That incident led me to see a counselor for a decent amount of time and with her I was able to get to a point where I knew that what had happened to me wasn’t something to hide. It wasn’t acceptable. And it needed to be talked about.
So does this.
Story time:
About two months ago J-squad had month 1 debrief, a time for racers to recoup and process their first month on the field. The squad (including myself and my co-leaders) was staying in one hostel and the Coaches and Mentor were staying in a separate hostel.
As a Squad-leader, during debriefs we have a number of meetings with the Coaches and Mentor. Some meetings with all of us, some individually. On this specific occasion I was heading back to my hostel from a meeting alone, a distance that wasn’t any greater than 3 blocks. And during my walk a man grabbed at me. Here is how that interaction when down:
Him: *Grabs and squeezes my rear intentionally.*
Me: *Slaps hand away.* “What are you doing?!”
Him: “I don’t know…”
Me: “You don’t get to touch that.”
Him: “Okay…”
Me: *Points finger at him.* “Apologize.”
Him: “I am sorry.”
Me: *Walks away.*
(Yes, this story is 100% true.)
The End.
The moral of this story isn’t “I am a strong independent women who can take care of myself”… In fact, that was kind of dumb of me, the man was big, scary, and I was alone, that story could have ended drastically different if Jesus wasn’t protecting me. The moral of this story is actually “this should never have happened in the first place.” Why should I have to say “no” for you to know that it is unacceptable to touch me, a total stranger? Why do we live in a society where it is not understood that every human deserves respect?
Story #2:
During our last week of ministry month 3 I was helping at a local high school. I was taking over the role of hall-monitor as the students were leaving school. As I was walking around I stumbled upon a scene where an older male student had a smaller female student pinned against the wall by force, advancing on her, getting all up in her space. The girl was struggling to get way from him, she had tears running down her cheeks and she was doing everything she could to free herself of him, but she wasn’t strong enough. The hall was packed, but no one stopped to help the girl, the other students were ignoring that it was even happening. I rushed over to the pair, shoved the guys shoulder, and stepped in-between the two of them. He scoffed at me, half laughing, and walked away.
I turned to the girl who was still in tears and ask what had happened and if she was ok. Long story short: the boy was interested in her, she wasn’t interested in him, and he didn’t like that.
Her and I talked until her friends met up with her and she left with them to walk home.
The End.
Two things about this scenario trouble me.
The first thing that troubles me is the total lack of concern shown by the other people in the hallway. A bunch of people walked past her, heard her cries, and showed no concern. Friends…advocate for your brothers and sisters in Christ!
The second thing that troubled me is how the young woman was treated. John Green, an author, has a quote that goes “People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos, is because things are being loved and people are being used.” The case with this girl in school is the same case as when I was sexually assaulted, we weren’t loved by the offender, we were seen as objects that had something the other person wanted. Something the other person felt entitled to. When in actuality we are people who deserve love and respect.
Actually not just people who deserve love and respect, but women who deserve love and respect. Biblically, it is the mans role to defend, provide, care for, and steward women.
Men, you are called to treat women like Christ treats the church. That means not being harsh with them. Not loving yourselves more than them. Honoring them and treating them with respect… Now, I know that the verses I just referenced (Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33,Colossians 3:19, and 1 Peter 3:7) refer to specifically husband and wife, but let’s widen the spectrum. As followers and believers of Christ we are called to love our neighbor as ourself. The Bible doesn’t have an asterisk at the bottom of the page of Matthew 22:39 that says *unless she be born of the female gender.* It says neighbor.
So think about your neighbor, and think about yourself. Would you let treatment like that you read above continue? Or would you step up?
Please, love well.
Molly Fae
P.S. People are wonderful. There are men who respect women. There are people who walk as Jesus walked. Keep an eye open for part 2 “Thank you, Sir” for ways men have been good stewards, advocates, and shown biblical love to women.
