Its 5am and I just want to get breakfast with my father. Well, no, I just want to not feel like I’m going throw up for first time in a week but that’s not going to happen so I’ll settle for breakfast and quality time with my dad. You see, today I leave for world race training camp. I’m flying to Atlanta and my flight leaves in two hours. I reread the text conversation with my best friend telling me I can do this.
Is it enough though? I’m taking so much with me. Do I have enough t-shirts? I only have one pair of jeans… oh and then there’s the fifty-ton emotional baggage I’m not going to talk about but obviously need to take with me.
I packed my physical bag just last night but I’ve been packing my emotional bag for years, storing enough memories to act as armor just in case I meet the wrong people. Just like my sweater keeps me warm from the cold, I use my past like a wall making those around me climb its rough exterior before they can get to know me.
At the airport, I hug my dad goodbye thankful that my flight is so early that my whole family wasn’t there to watch the tears slide down my face. How can any one person be this scared for something they feel called to do?
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Here I am again, crying because I’ve had to say goodbye, but it couldn’t be more different. This week has been a whirl wind of emotions–laughing, crying, uncomfortable silence, awkward moments, the camaraderie of really freaking cold bucket showers. And somehow, I feel lighter.
Maybe its that I’m physically lighter? I did work out more than I have in a long time and eat smaller portions… Or maybe its the stress of training camp being over. I don’t have to worry about meeting new people, I’ve met them all. Don’t have to worry about the fitness test, I passed it. I think the thing that’s different is that I traded some of the contents of my emotional pack for a new family and a new reliance on God.
If you didn’t know this about me, my junior year of college was the worst year of my life. You know those season in your life where you assume that you have hit rock bottom, only to find out that there was a basement you didn’t know about. You find yourself saying “well, it can’t get any worse than this”, two or three or four times. That period of my life defined my story. I used the memories to guard against friends and relationships that could hurt me. No one could hurt me, if they couldn’t get to me.
But through the layers of pain and anger and grief and regret, I could feel a need for something more. The longer I wore those memories, the more I wanted to shed them and start a new life. I didn’t know it then but God was calling me to the World race, preparing my heart for something better than the duct-taped existence I had grown to know.
At camp, I learned to un-peel the layers of armor I had held on so tightly to and let God’s light shine in on the dark and damp places. Speaking the words aloud, giving names to contents of that emotional pack, showing them to my squad mates. More than once I assumed that they would use them against me. How could anyone love my mess, my duct taped heart?
Something strange happened as I showed my emotional baggage to my squad mates, they showed their baggage to me. As we pulled the contents into the (not as hot as you would think for Georgia) sunlight, it was amazing. Though contrasting in some ways, the things we carried we not so unforgivable or inconceivably complex or even different at all. We weren’t that different at all. Sometimes, things are so perfect you know its God.
Through my squad, God showed me love and understanding when I thought that was impossible. Through my squad, God loved me more than I thought possible. I was met with grace and understanding. The holy spirit gave me boldness to keep unpacking my emotional baggage, to keep unwrapping the dark areas of my life. I know that as I continue on this journey towards and on the World Race, God will keep calling me to remove things from my bags until I have completely surrendered it all to him. But as weird as it sounds, I could not be more excited to let go of that baggage. To run into the arms, of such a good and loving God, and give my all to him.
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I’d also like to take the end of this entry to thank everyone that has helped me in my journey so far. Whether its been through encouragement, organization, or financial contributions, I cannot express how thankful I am for each and everyone of you. As I move forward I hope that you will continue to help me in my journey. There are a couple of ways:
-I need to raise $1,078 before December 18th in order to start my World Race adventure.
-I am holding a dinner and silent auction on December 6th to raise funds for my trip. I need help organizing this dinner. If you have experience in this, please email me or comment below. I would love to pick your brain about the event.
-I am looking for people willing to pray for me on this journey. If you are considered a prayer warrior or would like to come along with me on this journey through your prayers, I am looking for a prayer team. Please let me know!
