I often times find myself in situations when the only thing I can do it cry. I cry because I am happy, sad, angry, overwhelmed, or for no reason at all. This month I have found myself in tears more times than not but three times in particular stand out.
Once was just a few days ago. My team and I made a trip into the amazon jungle. A village only accessible by boat and invitation. The tribe is the Shaur, also know as the head shrinkers. Known for being a violent tribe (not the most violent), I thought I would need to keep my guard up. That was the idea until I met the people.
From the moment we hiked in the kids welcomed me with opens arms. They hung on to every word said and they just wanted to be in the presence of us. They craved to hear more about this Jesus guy we talked about.
After a crazy morning of grub worms and a kids service everyone was ready for a break. So we pile in our tents to relax. Meg, my tentmate, leaves for a second and the kids from the village are walking around my tent. So I start talking to them and invite them in my humble abode. Before I know it it’s me, surrounded by 8 jungle kids in my two person tent.
We laugh and joke around about my tent only having 1 door but so many windows. Then they ask me to teach them songs. So here I am with 8 kids singing and laughing with each other. People from so many different walks of life coming to hang out in a tiny tent for a few moments.
It’s then time for dinner so we head out of the tent. Hugs are given and I tell them to come back for the next service. I head to the bathroom and I’m waiting outside with a teammate and I try to hold in the tears but of course a few escape. I was crying because I want to remember that moment for the rest of my life. I was crying because these kids crave something that in my past I’ve turned away from. I was crying because these kids don’t know they are changing my life.
The other “important” cry I had was on the bus. I was heading back from an adventurous weekend in Banos and I looked out the window and started crying. Suddenly in that moment I was overwhelmed by the fact that I was riding the bus “home”. Not home in the sense of Baltimore but home in the idea of a house with people who care about me. A house with people that love me and want to know my story. A house with a family to eat dinner with. A house with people I love. A house that has become my “home” this month.
I was so overwhelmed by the fact that I was excited to go back. I was excited my weekend off was over because I got to go “home”. The next day, I would be going back to work and I couldn’t wait. I could not wait to love the children at the orphanage.
Not often are we excited for our day off to end. It’s more often than not that we are praying the week away so we can have more time off. But not this time around. I wanted my weekend to be over. I wanted to love on my sweet host family. I was ready for sweet Mandy to cook me my favorite American dishes. I was ready to cuddle with sweet Journey and Lexie on the couch.
Finally I find myself at the end of our debrief in my bed sobbing, pounding my fists at my pillow, and having a temper tantrum like a 3 year old. I don’t want to leave. Everything in my heart wants to stay and head back to Shell for God-knows how long. This country is just right. It’s my favorite. I want to just go “home” to my Zuniga family (yes I refer to them as mine).
I want to go and visit Ruth so she can do my nails and we can laugh the day away again. I want to take my clothes to my favorite seem stress who just seems to get me. I want to have Lexie ask me all the crazy questions. I want to joke with Mandy about her having to take care of me because sometimes I act like a child. I want to laugh and dance the day away with Martin. I want to eat Journeys cookies and brainstorm with Chris. I want it all back.
My heart hurts because I’ve done it yet again. I have loved “too” hard and invested “too” much. Its in these moments when I can’t catch my breath because I’m crying to hard, that I remember why I am here. I remember that I came to not only be the hands and feet of Jesus but to love like him too! Never once have I regretted loving someone “too” hard because Jesus loves way harder than I ever could.
Can you imagine the heartache jesus went through when he had to leave this earth? You know that’s the cool thing about Jesus. He was a human. He gets it and gets me. He did heart ache. He had to leave people he loved because that’s what the father called him to do. And God didn’t call me to 8 months. He called me to 11 countries in 11 months and although I may sob at the thought of leaving I know his plan is way better than mine.
I share my tear time with you because I believe that these are stories that are a testimony of my amazing month. They are a testimony of me getting a glimpse into what Jesus does/did everyday. I have truly loved everything that Ecuador has had to offer. From it’s immense beauty to the crazy, loving souls I’ve met along the way I have loved it all. Thanks Ecuador for a few good cries.
