Those days when you just can’t even
Those days when you question what the hell you were thinking. 11 months?
Those days when all you crave is normalcy
Those days when you cannot stand the place you are in and home is too far away
Those days when you just want a loving smile from your dad, a hug from your mom and a big pot of chili waiting for you
Those days when going to work seems like a dream come true
Those days when you realize your going to miss vacations
Those days when you swear a cold beer could fix it all
Those days when you hope it passes quick and it’s a semi easy day
Those days when you can’t see the light
Those days when crawling into bed with Netflix seems like heaven
Those days when you just want to call your best friend and laugh about anything
Those days when you’re too tired to hold yourself together and cannot get out of your head
Those days when you need an ear to listen and a mouth to stay shut
Those days when you want to hang out with your friends and not have to explain yourself
Those days when you crave to be alone and for the world to stay quiet
Those days when you want a hearty All-American meal
Those days when you just want to be who you are
Those days when you’re not sure why The Lord thought this was a good idea
Today is one of those days.
But even during these days you can’t imagine yourself anywhere else but here. You don’t actually want to go home. Well maybe for 10 min but that’s it. Although all these thoughts run rampant in my brain, I know the Lord has a plan. A plan which is way greater than mine.
I didn’t know if I should post this blog. I want you to hear about the good times, the miracles and the greatness of the race. But in this, I don’t want to lie or deceive you. It is hard. The race will break you down. Places are hard and when there is 0 comforts you sometimes are glass cases of emotions. Sometimes we laugh because it is the only thing that keeps us from crying. You don’t know why you are crying. But you do know.
You’re crying because your bed got terds and sewage water on it. You’re crying because your brain can’t handle translating. You’re crying because you do not want to smell B.O. anymore. You’re crying because you aren’t making a difference here and you are just a spectacle. You’re crying because your contact told you he didn’t like your painting skills so you should stop. You’re crying because of the constant catcalling. You’re crying because you are not sure why God has you here.
This month has been hard. I am trying to switch my brain from pleasing people to only worrying about pleasing God. I haven’t pleased many people here and it’s a hard realization to make that that is ok.
I am not going to lie to you I have not felt any of these things till this month. During this month in Honduras, I wish I could say that these days are far and few between. They aren’t. I struggle with these things often here. But what I do know is God has a plan, there is a reason I am here and I only have a few more days to stick it out. As hard as this month was it was worth it. I have grown as a person; spiritually, emotionally and mentally. My team is going to laugh when they read this but I say time and time again, “It’s hard but it’s worth it.” This month was super hard and I struggled and struggled and struggled but it is worth it. The growth I have experienced this month is exponential and it may not have happened without this place.
The most comforting part of this place is the cement floor. The number of hours I have spent cleaning it is too many. The number of hours I have laid on the floor is too many. But the only thing I know to be certain about this place is that there is a semi cold cement floor to catch me at the end of the day.
This month has brought me to my knees time and time again. I’ve cried. I’ve laughed, I’ve prayed and I’ve given up.
Honduras you tested me. Hope you’re proud
