Cambodia was a season of preparation. A season of uprooting and un-planting all I had hung onto so tightly. The Gardener of my heart tilled and pulled until I was raw and unrefined. He dug up all my fist so tightly clinched around. We wrestled. I continued to cling to all the earthly things I found my identity in. He continued to gently sing to my soul. This went on for far longer than I’d like to admit. We wrestled until I was tired and weary and finally had to release my grasp. I couldn’t hold on any longer. My hands were full and tired of holding meaningless things. The Gardener brought me to a place where all I had left to hold onto was Him.
While I was wrestling with The Gardener and all He was trying to uproot in my heart, He revealed to me a lot about who I was. Growing up I was always the girl that ran away. I ran away from relationships. friendships. commitments. hardships. For as long I can remember I kept everyone at arms length, with the fear of getting hurt. My mentality was if I love or let anyone love me, it will only lead to heartbreak.
As I was leaving Cambodia, The Gardner, knowing my heart was freshly uprooted and raw asked me a hard question. He asked how I could possibly love like He does, if I’ve never truly experienced His love in its entirety for myself. In that moment, we wrestled more.
I didn’t want to admit I had never experienced the fullness of His love. But the truth was, I hadn’t.
I realized that even on the race I’ve kept people at arms length. I hadn’t fully embraced the relationships I’ve been give or the people I’ve met. I realized I hadn’t fully embraced Our King and all the love He has for me.
The next day as I was talking with The Gardener He sweetly whispered: “Stop running. Let me romance you. Let me show you true love. You then can love like you are loved. Deeply and passionately. There is no fear in that. Winter is over. Spring is here.”
As I slowly whisper: “yes.” I knew the seasons had changed. The winter my heart had been experiencing was over. It is surely spring.
The Gardener is planting new seeds in my heart. Small flowers are blossoming. I am finding what makes my heart sing. I stopped running and started embracing.
So here’s to a beautiful, new season.
