I like things to be organized. I like them neat and orderly. I tend to organize my thoughts the same way I organize everything around me, in boxes. I put everything in perfect boxes with their lids closed tight, and duct taped shut. I don’t want any remnants of categories slowing spiling out and mixing with another aspect of my life. Because if I were ever to let that happen, I wouldn’t be able to control it. I would drown in the chaos of it all, or so it thought. School. Work. Social Life. Church. Talents. Dreams. Feelings. God. They all had their own box. Their own lid. They all had duct tape plastered over them to keep anything from spilling out. I couldn’t handle anything running together or getting confused. If that were to happen I would feel too much. Realize too much. See too much. So I just didn’t do anything at all. I kept all my boxes shut with their lids on tight. That was the only way I could control it. So I kept moving further and further way from the waves. I didn’t want to be in too deep.
So that’s how I lived my life for a while. A long while actually. Full but not satisfied. Ok but not great. I thought that if I could control everything going on nothing bad would ever happen to me. I wouldn’t be stressed or pushed for time. I wouldn’t be confused or full of emotions. I thought everything would be ok because everything had it’s own box. It’ s own pretty label. It’s own lid shut tight.
I lived with that mind set for quite a while. It worked, on occasion. School would still stress me out. God would never do anything too huge. I never felt too much or hurt too deep. I thought I was doing ok.Yet I had come to a point in my life where my heart wasn’t satisfied. My soul started to ache, slowly starting to realize everything I was missing by not feeling, not caring, not loving, and not letting God work outside the four walls of the box I put him in.
My prayer soon became: “Lord tear down the walls of the boxes I’ve tried to keep you in. Come and teach me who you are again. Come and work in my life. Do whatever you want with me.”
Slowly, the lids of my perfectly organized boxes started to come open. The duct tape that was keeping them shut started to peel off. Everything started to mix together. School. Church. Work. Feelings. God. It all oozed out into one big mess. I didn’t know what to do, at first, because I couldn’t control it. But I think in that moment when I thought things were falling apart, they were truly falling together. I soon realized God doesn’t work in boxes duct taped closed. He doesn’t preform miracles in boxes with perfect labels. How could I have had such little faith to think so? How could I keep myself from truly feeling. Truly living. Truly seeing what an amazing life I’ve been given. Truly experiencing the divine and perfect love of my heavenly Father.
Once the lids were off and the labels were removed I saw God. I heard him. I felt him. I realized what living in darkness was truly like. The thing is our God is limitless. His love is boundless. He has the ability to do anything, even what we believe to be impossible. For such long time I couldn’t imagine what God could do, so I put Him and his abilities in a box. But after I realized God doesn’t fit inside the four walls of one of my boxes, my world got a whole lot bigger. My dreams became more clear. My prayers were answered. I truly felt for the first time. When God works outside of the box we’ve put him in, miracles happen. Life changes. Viewpoints change. Plans change. You fall in love with the creator of the universe, and trust me thats a pretty amazing thing. All of those plans you thought you had for your life slowly fade as you start to see the grander picture. You realize that your plans fail in comparison, as God slowly revels His plan for your life. You realize you don’t need your perfectly organized boxes with beautiful labels. You realize that mess oozing around inside your head isn’t just chaos. It’s a beautiful God ordained mess of bright futures, incredible dreams, deep feelings, a life worth living, and answered prayers.
So once God blew the lid off the box I had him in, he drastically changed my life. He answered my prayers, and I am now starting to see his perfect plan for my future.
So here I am, unafraid, saying yes to God and no longer trying to shove him back into a box.
Now my heart cries: “Lord further and further, I move closer to the shore, no longer afraid of the waves. Let them wash over me. I’m overwhelmed but I’m free. So whatever it looks like, what ever may come, I’m yours.”
It amazes me what God does when I unclench my fist, and let go of the things I was holding onto so tightly. One of the things I was most worried about was where I was going to be living on the race. I worried about that a lot. I thought the tighter I held on the more predictable next year would be. However that was not/is not the case. Two weeks ago I let go. I cried out to The Lord and asked him to take control. Help me let go. Once that became my daily prayer, I felt the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I knew it was well with my soul. I was at peace with whatever was to come.
As soon as I let go, God gave back. He reminded me nothing I do goes unnoticed. When I relinquished control, He reminded me just how gracious He is. How loving. He reminded me He knows my heart, my desires. He knows. He doesn’t miss a thing.
Yesterday, God reminded me again of just how much he knows my heart. Yesterday, my route was released! I am thrilled to announce that my home(s) starting in September will be: Thailand, South Africa, and Nicaragua!
So here’s to letting go, unclenching my fist, and unpacking all those boxes I’ve tried so hard to organize for all these years.
