I am tired of writing this blog!
I have written it several times. I’ve posted about it more times than I can count and the truth is I’m tired of putting myself out there and getting so few responses.
Frankly, I think I am done trying anymore.
This is what I found myself telling God this past month.
OK Moe… Quit being so cryptic.
What is this blog about?
One word.
Money.
There it is. I said it. I am in need of some money.
I am still $1500 shy of fully funding the current trip I’m on. I’m paying for the phone I bought (before I decided to lead) and for it to be suspended while I’m gone. I’m also making payments on a dental bill I acquired a couple of months prior for a broken tooth. I won’t even talk about how I’m going to pay for my flight home in 4 months. (Oh wait…)
Honestly, I’m fine with having these responsibilities and I think more than being sad that I haven’t received more financial support, I think I’m just feeling a bit at a loss with God.
So really I have a God problem.
I firmly believe that God is capable of providing all that I need. I’ve seen him do it many times in my own life. His continuous provision is actually a part of the reason why I was ok with going overseas so quickly after I came back from the Philippines.
My real struggle with God is resting in how he wants to provide and when he wants to do so.
I know he knows my needs. I know he knows and wants what is best for me and I know his promises.
“And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches…” – Philippians 4:19
“Do not be anxious… Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” – Matthew 6:25-34
“Seek the kingdom first…” – Matthew 6:33
But when a lot of time passes and still you see nothing, you begin to wonder…
“Am I doing enough?”
“Am I doing too much?”
“Did I read those promises in context?”
At this point, any semblance of peace I may have had just fades into endless thoughts with no answers.
I know God is not at fault, so what am I doing wrong?
This is the thought I find myself thinking when I have come to this place.
But even now, as I write this, God is still faithful to me. As I type these words, the Holy Spirit is bringing Abraham to my mind and the promise that was made to him. A promise that he would both see and also not see. The promise of being the father of many nations through a son he didn’t have yet. It’s crazy to think that I am living in a promise that God gave to Abraham so long ago.
I guess he knew what he was doing…and he still knows what he is doing.
I decided to come on this trip because of God. He has given me a strong desire to see believers walking in their Christ-given identity. I want to see believers living in a life-giving, freedom-bringing marriage with God. I want us as believers to trust God with our lives because we have tasted and seen the goodness of God, in addition to having read about it. I want us all to experience the depths of God’s all encompassing love us.
I also want this for all people who don’t believe as well.
But one of my greater heart breaks, is that there are still so many people in the church whose lives seem to have never encountered the Living God.
It grieves me because I know Christ didn’t die so that he could be an awkward, arms-length acquaintance of ours until we get to heaven. Seriously, what’s the point of heaven and new earth if not to spend eternity with God?
*Whoa. How did I get on this soapbox?*
Anyway…
While, I’m on this trip, I not only get to bring the gospel to the nations, I also get to live it out, day after day, with 40 young and crazy men and women of Christ. By some SERIOUS grace, he is using my thoughts, words, hands, and feet to be a part of growing each one of them into oaks of righteousness.
Why am I so blessed?
I guess God led me to write this blog, for myself. He has reminded my why I said yes and chose to trust him with everything in the first place.
So even though my situation is still the same, he has brought my eyes back to his, and the discouragement I felt when I first started writing this blog has been replaced with a joy that comes only from knowing who he is and that he is with me always.
