I'm in a bit of a Catch-22 but I'll get to that later…
Cambodia has been a month of revelations and wrestling for me. I spent the month teaching English to different aged students at a free English school. Our contact's name was Vuthy and to set the direction for this blog I must tell you his story first.
Vuthy is 28 years old now but a few years ago God called him into a new life. Previously he worked as "tuk-tuk" (taxi) driver. Part of that brought him unawares in contact with Christ. In his work he was often picking up groups of Christians apart of an organization called YWAM (Youth With A Mission). The more he encountered them the more he began to wonder who "all these white people were." Eventually, someone shared the gospel and told him about Christ. He had never heard it before. He gave his life to Christ.
(random tuk-tuk driver with his tuk-tuk)
Not too long after, he heard God asking him to sell his tuk-tuk and go to a DTS (discipleship training school) with YWAM. His tuk-tuk was his only source of income but he still did it. After his DTS, he felt that God was calling him back to the village where his parents still lived to open a free English school. So he went back and through him many of his family members came to know Christ.
Fast forward back to now.
The first week I was Vuthy's location, God took that time to help me understand himself a little better and for the first time in my life I could say that I legitimately was in love with the Lord. All I wanted to do was be with him, talk about him, listen to him, etc. I was like a middle schooler in love (see 'I peed my pants' blog). But God was not stopping there.
At some point I picked up the book "Radical." I had put off reading the book since I had first heard of it 4 years ago. The reason being that I was tired of reading books what were "challenging" and "awesome" but only being motivated for a week and then going back to my normal life. Somewhere in my mind I had decided that I wanted God to motivate me himself through his word.
Anyway, I finally gave in and started reading this book and it could not have been more perfectly timed. (I actually wouldn't finish reading it until I got to Africa.) During all this, there were many things about God I wrestled with and chewed on. I also began to look at my life and soon found myself asking God why my life was the way it was and more specifically "why I never had any money?" Seems like a silly thing to ask God, almost trivial but it was something I realized I had wondered my whole life. Actually at this point I was upset with God.
To be honest, I struggled with the fact that as far as I knew I was one of the only people who had not brought extra spending money on the race and when I left I'm pretty sure my account was in the negative. To add to that, since coming on the race I've had 2 unexpected dental issues and although the cost was significantly less than in the states, it's expensive when you have zero dollars. 🙂 I hated having to ask my parents for money because I knew they needed it. Then as if those things weren't annoying enough I lost my wallet with EVERY ounce of ID anyone could have, my bank cards, and $100 of our team's emergency cash. So I had to ask my parents for money to get a new passport. Then as I'm getting ready to leave for Africa, I learn that I needed to have my original Yellow Fever certificate which I lost with my wallet. So now I had to pay to get it done again. Needless to say, I was really wondering what the deal was.
Then God sat me down and showed me some things. Somewhere in my life I had only thought of provision as money to take care of myself but God cleared that misunderstanding up with Vuthy's story. When he sold his tuk-tuk, he gave up his only source of income to do what the Lord had asked him to do. For someone in Cambodia and most countries that is asking a lot. There is no government assistance and there are no parents with extra money to give. There is nothing to depend on except yourself.
(mercy home)
But somehow Vuthy has been able to have a home for orphans, 2 classrooms, and a church built. He has some staff who teach full time and many other things. One of the many things he was always saying to us was "what is money?" Money is just a thing." That stuck with me. Without him really doing anything but obeying God, he had been provided for. Everything he needed to do God's work, God had provided it.
(church)
"And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." -Luke 12:29-31
I was challenged. I realized that my desire to take care of myself overrode how the Lord wanted to take care of me. I also realized that I had never really given up the "rights and entitlements" of my life to the Lord. Without realizing it, I had created a plan for my life that I was ok with God being a part of but not having complete control. After being a Christian for almost 10 years, I was just now realizing that my life no longer belonged to me; that when I chose to follow Christ I was also saying that EVERYTHING about me and my life was his to use to build his kingdom.
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple…So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple." -Luke 14: 26,33
Since coming on the race, if there is anything I've learned and am still learning is that I'm not entitled to anything. I'm not entitled to comfort or stability. I'm not even entitled to safety and truth be told, that scares me. Following Christ could bring me anywhere, both to the known and unknown. And even though this creates some anxiety (sometimes a lot) in my heart, for some reason I can't go back. There is something in me that does not want to be away from God. I can't get away from it. As much I desire safety, stability, and comfort, I don't want it without Christ. For some crazy reason, I'd rather have discomfort and danger with God than peace and predictability without him. And that is my Catch-22.
