I peed my pants.

I can see it happening but I can’t stop it. I try to contain it in one place but it just keeps spreading and no matter how hard I try to hide it people can still see it. You go through a myriad of emotions…..fighting it, awkwardness, embarrassment, and then you realize there is nothing you can do about it except to just let it happen.

All the things God is showing me and doing in my heart leaves me overwhelmed almost every second of the day. He has brought the truth of His word alive to me. So not only am I just reading words or hearing some speaker talk about him, He’s coming off the pages and out of the church and coming to life in front of my eyes and inside my heart.

Before coming on the race, I had a strong distrust of emotions, especially my own. I always thought of them as things that made you look crazy and swept you away from reality. I was okay with them as long as I could control them. Because of this, I spent the first 4 months of my race just trying not to be overly affected by what God was doing in and around me. Why?

The truth is I didn’t want to come back home as that crazy person who is always talking about God and how they could “feel” God doing this or that. I was okay with God as long as He didn’t make me look crazy. 🙂
That all changed during our squad debrief.

I began to hear God telling me that there were a lot of views and beliefs I had that I needed to let go of. That I couldn’t keep trying to fit into this silly mold called “normal.” That if I was really going to follow Him everywhere and live the life He is calling me to, it was not always going to look normal or make sense.

“I was afraid of that…” and sometimes I’m still afraid of that but after what I’ve experienced in 5 months with the Lord I can’t go back to “normal.” I don’t want to anymore. I want to talk about God until I lose my voice. I want to live out the crazy life He has called me to and I desperately want other people to experience what I’m experiencing and more.

I want people to experience the God of the bible not just read about Him. I want people to adventure with Him not just go to church to hear about someone else’s adventure with Him. I want people to believe deeply the truths of His written word not just because a preacher says so but because they have encountered the true living God and can’t deny it.  

I’m done with boring Christianity, I want real life Christ and I want that for everyone.