But it’s not what you think. Let me explain.
You see, this race I’m on- this journey, this adventure- it comes with many facades. It encompasses more than words could ever say and exposes the human heart to things it didn’t know it had the capacity to. Sometimes however, those things aren’t necessarily the world around you- but things about you. Those things- the messy, the ugly, and the hard truths- those are the things no marketing department, no advice column or blog can ever prepare you for. The farther I travel, the more I realize that nothing could ever prepare me for what tomorrow might bring, much less what all 11 months could bring.
After I posted my last blog about the freedom I was finding in Christ, like a trigger pulled- I came undone and the messiness in my heart got magnified. It started out in the form of culture shock, which had me in tears and wondering what in the world I had signed up for. Then when I couldn’t find comfort in the things around me, I had Georgia on my mind and began missing things that would give me the comfort I was seeking. It was such a messy cycle and got worse before it got better. It’s something I am still trying to process and examine carefully but it brought a lot of things to the surface. Things I had pushed down deep. Truths I knew about myself and things I didn’t want to deal with.
Because I realized I’m can be selfish.
I can be pretty prideful.
I tend to like to control my circumstances.
I like to know what is coming next.
I don’t like the idea of not feeling “safe”.
I had pictures in my mind for what this whole thing would look like, and it is vastly different.
But it’s beautiful.
And I think I have finally figured out what the race feels like.
It’s like fancy chemotherapy.
But the disease I am being cured of, well- it’s me.
Some days I get the medicine that tastes bitter makes me cringe, and makes me sick at my own sin and all I take for granted. Then some days are pretty sweet and the medicine makes me realize how good this whole crazy thing really is.
Because you see, all things me- just get in the way.
So, in all of this- I am thankful for the bitter and I am thankful for the sweet. Because it’s all carving away pieces of me. And my hope is by the end of this wild ride, people don’t even really see me- but they see Jesus.
That’s the goal.
So my prayer is- Jesus, hold me when the carving hurts and the medicine tastes terrible. Remind me it is for my own good, and give me the strength and wisdom I need to endure. Because it turns out that we are just little points of punctuation in a much bigger story- a story that has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with You.
