Let me be vulnerable with you for a few minutes. Confession time about a lot of crazy random stuff, but hang with me because I think it will all come together in the end; and even if it doesn’t, it is all a part of my story so just bare with me. 😉
Unable to dream. For whatever reason, I have never really had the ability to dream, or maybe I never wanted to because I didn’t want to be disappointed in things that I knew would not come true. This could very well be from Satan – a spirit of doubt, disbelief, fear, etc.
You know the old saying: “It is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all.” Well, I don’t know if I necessarily agree with this statement, at least not until recently. Sure I said it, and sometimes I believed it, but not the majority of the time. I don’t like to hurt or fail, so a lot of times I don’t try and I build up walls (around my heart) to protect it. Folks, this is not how we are supposed to live. When our heart becomes broken, God can surely heal it if you ask/let Him.
I grew up in a fairly comfortable home. Combined, financially, my parents made decent money. I don’t ever remember being in need. We always had food, always had clothes, always had toys (more than we needed I’m sure). I believe this is the way that my parents tried to show us love. We would occasionally go to church, usually VBS in the summer, but never really considered ourselves religious or spiritual. We moved just days after my 12th birthday, it was in December. Moving during that time of year means starting at a new school halfway through the year – this was not an easy thing, especially for someone like me who is an introvert. I was VERY shy and quiet when I was younger, so making new friends was hard. That school year I failed one class and came close to failing another one – because I didn’t care and didn’t do the homework – or maybe now that I think about it, I was crying out for attention, but not in a healthy way. It was after this incident that my parents started offering to pay my sister and I for good grades and I accepted the challenge.
I don’t know if it was then, but my motivation for life then probably became about doing things to please others. Doing things to please others isn’t a bad thing, but I think I started to idolize it; therefore, it became an idol. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I let people pleasing become my god. I wasn’t a “Christian” then either – not until I was 16 did I acknowledge God and start a relationship with Him.
Anyways, I don’t know about you, but trying to please everyone can be tiring. But more importantly, you lose yourself and allow dreams to slip away when pleasing others is your motivation. You lose all (or most) sense of direction in life. You waste days, months, years of your life by doing what others think you should do, i.e. the college years and why it took 7.5 years to get a Bachelor’s Degree. Only recently have I become aware of all this and started reflecting on it, thanks to a few squad mates and our phone dates (shout out to Amanda and Charis).
So when I first started praying about the World Race and why I wanted to do it, it was because I felt LOST and “stuck” in life. Yes, I do enjoy travelling and spreading God’s love through action/serving and we are called to be His hands and feet – these were reasons I would tell people I wanted to do The World Race and they are still true. You see, I graduated college 4 years ago next week. I haven’t really done a whole lot to settle into a career because I don’t intend to pursue a career with the degree that I earned – learned that lesson too far into my college career to change courses.
Now I think that the Lord is going to use this year to continue to break me of pleasing people as an idol – as long as I continue to surrender it to Him. The Lord commands us to have no others gods before him (Exodus 20:3). I am confident that the Lord is going to use me (and my squad) to advance the Kingdom through our service over the next 11 months starting in January. I also believe that God has allowed me to embark on this journey because He wants to birth / re-birth dreams in me for my future – whatever that looks like. Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. I intend to go wherever the Spirit leads because I want that freedom that He offers. Through prayer and meditation on God’s Word, I am learning what it means to have a renewed mind (Romans 12:1-2). God will totally renew your mind if you let Him. There is more to that statement but I shall save that for another time.
Please know that I am working on allowing God to be the only one I please. If what I am doing is what God wants and what you want as well, then even better! Know that I will let you down because I am not perfect, but that is alright, that is what grace and forgiveness is for. I will still try my best to do what I can, but know that I am human and you are not my priority – God is.
Pray with me as I reclaim my ability to dream. Pray also that I continue to surrender any desires to please man and not the Lord (Colossians 3:23). Most importantly, pray that I am open to whatever God has for me as I take this journey. God has already begun a work in me and changed me, and I am excited to see what else the Lord has in store for me.
Update financially: I am 52% funded! I have exceeded my next financial deadline for LAUNCH (leaving), however, I am still $6,843.00 away from being fully funded. It is my hope to be fully funded by the end of December, or the first part of the year when I leave – report to Atlanta, GA, for a few more days of training on January 7, 2015, and then take off for El Salvador (date TBA). I would love it if you would join me in this journey and support me as you feel the Lord leading, whether that be prayers, financial, sending me encouraging things via e-mail/Facebook, etc.
As always, please feel free to leave me a comment below with any thoughts, questions, comments, concerns, frustrations, etc. God bless!
Keep Lookin’ Up,
Misha
