I’m going to be honest. I’ve completely put off writing this. I am doing my best to try to be fully honest and open when writing all of my blogs. Vulnerability isn’t something that comes easy for me but I feel I need to be a little more open to let y’all in on who I am and what the Lord is doing. So honestly, I had a hard time answering this question.
Ever since I got accepted, I never doubted the race. But the last couple of weeks have been an overflow of doubt, fear, and everything telling me I’m not good enough, not ready, and not qualified. And all that is definitely true. I’m not good enough, I may not be ready, and I am definitely not qualified. BUT Jesus is good enough, I don’t need to be ready when He is with me always and He equips which is qualification enough.
So the question is “Why are you going on the world race?”.
Truthfully, every answer I had to that question started with “I want”. “I want to do this”, “I want to do that”. That was my problem. I’m once again letting my selfishness think about me. But that’s not what it’s about. It’s never been about me. I dwelled on this, cried a bit, sat with the Lord with it. I wish I could say it came easily. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong to want some things. There’s nothing wrong to ask the Lord for things. But when it came to this, I personally struggled with it. Because
I have been completely and utterly blessed to have this opportunity.
Yes I want to help others, yes I want to grow in my relationship with God, yes I want to grow myself, yes I want to love others like He did, yes I want to do all of these things. But more than that, I am blessed to have the capability to help others, I am blessed to grow closer to Him, I am blessed to have the opportunity to grow myself, I am blessed to have the ability to love others like He did. And even after all of that, there is so much more to the reason I am going.
July 18, 2018. That was the day I first helped lead someone to Christ. That was the day I realized that there is absolutely nothing else I am called to do more than spread the name of Jesus. That was the day that changed my life. That might sound so drastic to say but it was. Her name was Jessica. She was a happy, giggly, bright soul but her heart was broken and she craved more. On that day she found it. I am forever grateful God used me to bring her to Him, but also that God used her to spark something inside of me for Him. I found my purpose that day and I couldn’t say there’s any better feeling.
With that, I have no clue what the world race holds for me, I have no clue how God is going to use me, I have no clue what’s to come. But I know that my Father is good and He tells me to have faith in Him. I know my purpose is to tell others about Him. And I know that even though so much is unknown to me, I still have an overwhelming sense of peace, even when I’m completely terrified.
So yeah, that’s why I’m going on the world race. Not because of all of the reasons I want, but because the Lord blessed me to be able to. And I wouldn’t be obedient if I said no. Does that mean I’m fearless? Definitely not. But He doesn’t give up on His children and He’s never given up on me.
I want to make my Father proud. I don’t have to go on a 9 month mission trip to make Him proud. I don’t have to go to other countries to make Him proud. I don’t have to leave everything I know to make Him proud.
But, simply put, I am completely blessed to be able to.
Hebrews 11:6 “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”
So much love,
M
