renewing of heart and refreshing of spirit

Ok so I haven’t blogged in a while.
Let me fill you all in on why.

Last month I was in Thailand. It was a
month of everything that could have went wrong did. A
month of sickness, tears, frustrations, homesickness and
claustrophobia.

For the first half of the month we were
in Bangkok working in a leper colony. Also for the first half of the
month I was sick in bed. Having to stay back by myself in a boring
room all the time made me feel really homesick. I wanted nothing more
than to be home. After 10 days of sickness I finally went to the
hospital. They told me I had bacteria in my intestines (result of
food poisoning that went bad) and bad dehydration. They kept me
overnight in the hospital with an IV in my arm. When I woke up the
next morning there was a show outside of my 14 story hospital
room…BOMBS! We turned on the TV and got to watch what was going on
in the news right outside my window.

 

For the second half of the month we
were in Pattaya. We had to fit 9 girls in a VERY small room. We slept
3 to a bed on a box-spring mattress. In Pattaya we did red light
ministry. It was really hard to talk to a young girl and then watch
her get bought by a man 3 times her age. Since I was sick in Bangkok
I never got to do my laundry before we left for Pattaya. EVERYTHING
was dirty. I tried to wash it at the place we stayed at in
Pattaya…the washer broke down on me leaving me with wet soapy
clothes and no dryer. Because it was so humid outside my clothes were
still wet 3 days later.

My internet NEVER worked. Everyone’s  internet would work and as soon as they would let me use their
computer…the internet would stop. I just wanted to talk to home.

I thought that Thailand was going to be
one of those months that just sucked and I would learn nothing from.
WRONG. The problem all along was me. It was my attitude towards
things and my stubbornness. I didn’t want to be cheerful through all
my trials, I didn’t want to go to God to give me strength, I didn’t
even want to be on the race anymore. When it was finally time to
leave Thailand and fly to Kenya I was so happy to get out of that
country. Once in Kenya God really hit me hard. I was not going to be
able to go through the rest of the race letting my frustrations get
in the way and I certainly wasn’t going to get through the race on
my own strength. I finally threw my selfishness aside and went to God
for help (DUH..what I knew I should have done all along). I didn’t
like who I was in Thailand. The world race has a habit of bringing
out the worst in me. It is like a constant state of brokenness…a
constant process that causes me to realize something I don’t like
about myself and allowing God fix it. God said “so what are you
going to do about it? You know what you don’t like about yourself when
your frustrated, how are you going to fix it?” I couldn’t let my
frustrations get the best of me anymore. I couldn’t let anything
affect my walk with God or cause me to stumble and shut down. I don’t
have to do things on my own because God is there when you need him
and even when you don’t.

I feel like ever since I have been in
Kenya I have had a brand new attitude about things. Yes, things still
went wrong..I lost my favorite necklace, my internet still didn’t work,
I thought I lost my shoes, but none of it mattered. As soon as I
started relying on God’s strength and not my own my attitude
completely changed. Thank Jesus for his grace and patience!

I guess Thailand wasn’t a complete
disaster after all. No, I would never want to relive the month I had
because honestly I was miserable. But I do dwell on how horrible it
was because God used it for good. He taught me a valuable lesson that
will carry on for the rest of my life. Sometimes there are trials but
there is always a light at the end if you let God use the for good.