I can't change people. I want to very, very badly but God is breaking me of that. I am realizing that I have always wanted and tried to change people. I've even tried taking the reigns of changing myself as you can see in my last blog post.
Last month in Guatemala, God started to work on my heart towards brokenness and how to facilitate that in my team. I was attempting to help teammates by carrying each of her burdens for her. I was taking it upon myself to bring to light convictions or to push her into walking out of the lies she believed and into truth.
However, I was missing the big picture. The truth is I can't change any of the people God calls me to. God is the only one who can change them. Because changing isn't loving. They are two separate verbs and I am not capable of changing others nor am I called to do just that. I am called to love. Because its Love that changes people. The action isn't to change them; the action is to love them. Love and serve them; even if that person needs a little changing, because honestly we all need a little changing.
It is not our job to change people, that's all God. We in love call out lies. Not to change them, but to present them with the Truth. So that the Holy Spirit will convict and change them. As I meet people I don't look to change them from drug addicts to followers of Christ. I love them. Because only Love changes people. Only the truth that they are loved changes them.
This week I took a day off of ministry to sit with the Father, because I had some things nagging at my spirit. As I sat with the Father, He worked on two things in my heart. One, my attitude towards singleness (a whole other blog post in itself) and second, my attitude towards my family. He brought to light that while I had given up carrying my teams burdens, I am carrying the weight of trying to change my family into fully surrendered followers of Christ. I'm not loving them. I'm trying to change them.
I want to change them out of love, but the only way to do that is to focus on the love not the change. So instead of changing my family. I'm changing myself. I'm changing myself out of the love the Father has for me. I'm going to love as I have seen love. I'm going to love sacrificially and although I'm not sure what that looks like entirely; I'm doing it for my family and for the glory of my God.
How did I go so long loving complete strangers better than I have loved my family?
I can tell you why. My family broke me. My family caused deep scars. I don't say this to guilt anyone. Follow me through this.
I'll explain this through a situation that happened to me. As I was preparing to leave for the World Race, I had to move all my belongings from my apartment in Columbia to my house in Green City; two hours apart. My friends decided to help me load. I let them take control as they piled the stuff in the back, ending with the two mattresses opposite each other on each side creating a wind tunnel. Long story short, as I'm driving the mattress flies out. I go back to get it. A cop helps me. A cop writes me a $180 ticket for failure to properly secure my load. And then the cop tears the ticket to shreds in front of me. Just like that. He graciously tears the ticket up in front of me. This whole time I am staying strong. No tears, no trying to talk myself out of the ticket. I know I deserved that ticket. As I was driving I could tell the mattresses weren't sturdy. Honestly, as they were putting them in I knew it was a bad idea. But as soon as this gracious officer tears the ticket, I lose composure and tears well into my eyes full of appreciation.
After this all happened I was struck by the fact that this is precisely what Christ did for us. He, knowing we deserve the penalty of our sins, ripped up our ticket. Our citation stating every trespass we have made against Christ and said 'Its finished'. Except, unlike the cop from my story, He tore my ticket up by being beaten and stripped of all dignity on a bloody cross. He died to show me unmerited favor, to show me grace.
And the truth of the matter is it won't kill me to show grace to my family. Ripping up their wrongdoings and forgiving them might cause a few tears and swallowing some of my pride. But what I did, what I've done, cost someone His life. When Christ showed His grace and His love, it killed him.
So at some point in my life I decided I would easily forgive those who weren't my family, because they weren't the ones who were supposed to mend me. In my mind, my family was supposed to protect and love me. But at times they did the opposite (and I did the opposite sometimes too). I had every right, every justification in the world to be angry or be bitter. At one point I chose to forgive. But I kept the citation to remind me. Remind me not to trust. Not to get too close again. I didn't give them the favor in the situation. I didn't chose them over my own "justifiable" feelings.
But I'm choosing to rip up their tickets. Because I love them. Because I want to show love and grace to them so that the only thing they see is Christ changing them.
What about you? Are you going to continue keeping count of each violation against your life? Or are you going to rip each one up just as your citation was shredded for you? Are you going to love people or change them?
"A new command I give to you: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
– Jesus Christ [John 13:34]
"We love because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19
