Recently, with my departure quickly approaching (July 2nd) I have been an emotional roller coaster, scratch that an emotional trip to the moon and back. I question everything then pray intently for the Lord to reveal His truth to me. I had ts conversation with my loving Father while I tried to sleep but to no avail.
Lord, I don't wanna do this!
Do what?
Leave my family and friends…
Are you sure that's what's bothering you?
Yes! Well, mostly…
Miranda I know your heart. I put those desires there, you know.
Well… I'm afraid.
Of what?
Afraid of getting more and more out of shape. And that my best years have gone by and that I will not find a husband. I hate that I even fret over this! I know that you have good plans for me, I'm just scared. And I hate that I am!
So what don't you want to do?
Be single for another year…
My princess, do you remember what I told you at DCC last year. Your heart is beautiful and you are striving to live fully surrendered. I have the perfect man for you. You just aren't quite ready for each other yet!
Father my faith is so little! And I want to be ready now…
So what don't you want to do?
I don't want to live outside Your will! I don't want to be satisfied in anything but you! I don't want to rely in myself in anything!
Its funny cause I didn't even realize that my committing to being single really bothered me that much. But after having this loving conversation with my Father, I realized how much I put my identity in my singleness. I thought that because I was called to be single for at least the next year that I shouldnt desire a relationship at all. That it woud be easy and I wouldn't even think about it. But the truth is, God put the desire for me to have a loving husband one day and it's not a bad thing. And it's not a bad thing to look forward to meeting my husband. It's worse to ignore my desire and become bitter because I feel like God is holding something back from me.
So I look forward to sharing the rest of my life with my husband. But right now I look forward to God developing my heart more and more into a fully surrendered heart over the next year so maybe I'll be ready to date when I get back! Heaven knows I'm not ready yet even if I think I am!
