I feel lost.
I know I’m not. It doesn’t change how I feel.
Distant. Hiding. Shamed.
If the world knew. If they knew. If they knew.
If they knew, I could never lead. No one would ever look up to me. They’d see me for who I am.
A hypocrite. A liar. A coward. A sinner.
I thought You put me back together. I thought I would never struggle with any big sins again. Freedom, right? That was the deal.
I thought what we had left was to work out what’s been done in my life. Not what’s happening. Not what’s being done.
That’s what I thought.
I thought it would be easier.
“Forgiven.”
That’s what you’ve called me. That’s what I can accept.
But this forgiving. This future and present tense. I don’t want this.
That means I’m still screwing up. I’m still messing up.
And while You may accept my failures, shortcomings, my sins… Can the world?
And somehow, their disappointment sends me crawling back in fear.
It’s this constant push-pull. I want the world not to matter. But it does.
So I run and hide. You know where I am. Just as You knew where Adam and Eve were. You called to show us where we are.
I want to be found. I am found. Yet I feel lost.
Being forgiven. Not being perfect.
But above all else letting go of control. Knowing you are in control.
My future. Yours.
My past. Yours.
My present. Yours.
Even when I mess up.
No it’s bigger than messing up.
Even when I sin.
You are in control. You change it all. You shift it all to bring me back into Your will.
Because you already knew I would still sin.
You still died.
You still chose to put me where I am.
You still are choosing to use me.
I will seek you.
And you will guide me.
Because while I may have lost you.
Daddy, You never lost me.
You never decided to stop saving me.
Jesus, You never decided to stop forgiving me because I sinned even after I was saved.
You never decided to give up on me.
You never decided to stop loving me.
Forgive me.
***Wanted to post one last post here. If you want to follow my new blog to see what I’m up to now. Please follow at mirandabrinsa.wordpress.com Look forward to sharing life with you there.
