I am a joyful person. I love to have fun. My favorite quality about myself is being able to enjoy my world, and the people in it, and mostly my God. I can find good in almost anything. Anyone who knows me, knows this about me. I love to laugh, giggle, and have adventure. But then there is this weight. Something I tend to experience in a new environment is burden. I look around me and see a world full of broken people. Not only do I see the broken people around me but I am made fully aware of my big fat ugly sin. I tend to walk around like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don’t experience this forever. Eventually God lifts this burden. So I have been praying a lot about why I experience that. I think the most basic part is so that I will love people like God does, and so that I will be humbled . But the other part of it is adjustment. I have a hard time letting go and being the crazy normal version of myself while with new people. I have had this struggle since coming on the race at a higher level since I am never ever EVER alone. I know how to be outgoing in a crowd but I don’t know how to be vulnerable in a crowd or with people I don’t know well. (Unless I am giving a message because then I am sharing the gospel. Right?) The thing is though when I am unable to be vulnerable with those around me I place myself in captivity.
Below is a picture from a place called Tuol Sleng.
It once was a High School but it was turned into a prison in the 70’s. It was used as a prison to murder and torture people during a major genocide that took place all over Cambodia. It is why poverty exist so much in Cambodia and poverty is why Trafficking exist in Cambodia.
This picture is of two small cells side by side. The walls on this floor were lined with them. They are smaller than most American’s closets. This is the the thing that strikes me most about these cells side by side. The people in them had to remain completely silent at all times. I can not imagine being so close to another Human and not being able to interact with them. To be able to hear them breath and not be able to knock on their cell. To be in a room full of people but to be completely alone.
Except for I can imagine this. This is what happens when I refuse to be vulnerable. When I refuse to give up my sin. My sin is the thing that holds me captive. Not a cell. Not a person. Me and my choice to hold on. When we live in our sin we put ourselves in prison. When we hold back our struggles, our addictions, our pain, we are unable to fully interact with and connect with those close to us. We could scream at the top of our lungs and cry out for help but until we are willing to fully let go and walk in the freedom that has already been bought for us we will never ever fully enjoy the benefits of relationship and community.
So I promised in my last blog to be open, honest, and raw. So here it is… I suck at being vulnerable. I hate letting people in. I would rather deal with my crap alone. If I had my way I would live with surface level relationships for the next 3 1/2 months. BUT… I genuinely love my squad because the Lord has given me love for them. Because of that love and a commitment to live in HEALTHY community I am going to be VULNERABLE. I am scared. I am frustrated. I am determined. The biggest reminder this lesson I am re-learning has given me is this.
My communities health is greatly affected by me and who I chose to be in the midst of it.
