The Race has been spiritually hard on me at times. The race, or at least our squad, seems to love singing music, inviting the Holy Spirit in…all those feeler things. It's beautiful. I sit in squad and team time and as everyone gets more and more into the music, I seem to feel more and more alone and disconnected…jealous even of the people around me who seem to be feeling God, while I am not. I would estimate that 90% of the Racers are feelers…they take in information and make decisions based on their feelings. I make mine based on thought.
Every 2 months we have debrief where mentors come and fill us up and we get to reconnect with our other squad mates. This month’s was in Brasov, Romania. I sat with a few friends and had theological discussions. It whet my appetite for spiritual connection. Funny thing though, I talked to a feeler, who talked about how hard it was to feel God when she was going through difficulty because the feeling doesn’t follow.
I followed the conversation with lunch, then felt God leading me to sit on a bench and read the Bible so I grabbed a Coke and cookie and started my calling. After a rather emotional week, I was excited to hear what God had to say to me. But I read and I read, and nothing clicked. I was frustrated, no.., MAD at God. I need You, why aren’t you showing up? But my cookie and Coke weren’t gone yet, so I slumped down and kept reading…and told Him I was DONE when the Coke was gone. Not more than a minute after telling Him that, a woman sat down next to me. After the awkward minute it took to establish that I did not speak Romanian, but she spoke English, she asked about my Bible and faith. Corina continued to ask me about God, and tell me that she had a hard time believing in God when she was having a bad day- the EXACT conversation I was having with my sqadmate only an hour or two prior. My meeting with Corina was a divine appointment. While I helped Corina navigate through her life and pray for her, it wasn’t until a couple hours later when I realized that God didn’t just use that moment to bless Corina, but that he also used it to bless me.
I learned to appreciate having a thinker relationship with God. For once on the Race it seemed my blessing within those conversations. While those rare “feeler” moments I have are enjoyable, I have learned to appreciate the stability in my thinker relationship with God. My automatic response to doubt or not feeling Him is to go back to what I know. It seems so much more natural to me than for a feeler.
We all know God made us with different gifts, it’s just so fascinating to see how they help each other. I have learned to experience God in so many different ways by watching and learning from my squadmates. My gift of thinking was able to bless 2 "feeler" women and put them back on track. We need those differences to grow. It's in these differences that we get to experience the diversity of God.
Side notes: I have $854 more to raise by June: if you want to be a part of this, even a small donation can make a big difference, click the support me link to the left.
Ijust arrived in Ukraine and will be working with college students this month. I'm excited to build relationships. The first week is backpacking on the Crimean Peninsula with Intervarsity. More details to come.
