I remember a few weeks out before beginning this journey. People continually asked me how I felt about leaving. I recall constantly saying, "I just want to be a month into it." I wanted to be past the painful goodbyes and have developed some sort of new normal. However, this thought seems to STILL be evident and I don't know what to do with it. I am consumed with what's 'next'….in 30 minutes, two days, one month, seven months, and even at the end of these 11 months. None of my moments are present. I keep wanting to be forward. Even this morning….I did laundry for the first time in about three weeks and I just mumbled, "God please don't let it rain" for the sake of my hanging clothes. Hours later, I was reading in my hammock and the sun was scorching. I remember mumbling, "Take away a little of that sun." How gross of me. I'm just not satisfied with whatever is on my plate (yes, even literally). Whatever I'm not doing? I want. Whatever I don't have? I want.
The struggle: being present.
I'm not much of a planner so I don't see this being tied with worry of what is to come and having absolutely no clue. I see it as just being unthankful and discontent.
And as my thoughts wander to what's always next….I'm consumed with what I'm doing here. Why I'm on the race. And I so badly wish I knew. It's often with a discouraging mindset. Before beginning, I totally had expectations. Expectations of growth, expectations of God showing up. Well…I look back on this last month and a half and question what I've really actually learned. Yes, I've seen much poverty and dirty, awful situations. And they make me sad. But I feel so insensitive to say…now what? What do I do with that? I attempt to build relationships with people that I really only know for a solid three weeks. And then I leave. They'll forget me for sure. I seem to think more of how thankful I am for stuff at home that isn't available to the people here…and how much I'll be glad when I get to have those things again. Again…ALL that that has me do is think about the future.
I don't want to rush this process. And I know how possible it is to just go through the motions, not having really 'gained' by the end. But dang. It's so hard to 'hold those thoughts captive'.
….and then I read this quote:
"Discipleship is not limited to what you can comprehend- it must transcend all comprehension. Plunge into the deep waters beyond your own comprehension, and I will help you to comprehend even as I do. Bewilderment is the true comprehension. Not to know where you are gong is the true knowledge. My comprehension transcends yours. Thus Abraham went forth from his father and not knowing wither he went. He rusted himself to my knowledge, and cared not for his own, and thus he took the right road and came to his journey's end. Behond, that is the way of the cross. You cannot find it yourself, so you must let me lead you as though you were a blind man. Wherefore it is not you, no man, no living creature, but I myself, who instruct you by my word and Spirit in the way you should go. Not the work which you choose, not the suffering you devise, but the road which is clean contrary to all that you choose or contrive or desire-that is the road you must take. To that I call you and in that you must be my disciple. If you do that, there is the acceptable time and there your master is come." (Luther)
Sums it up yeah?
Guess I'm in a good spot.
