I don’t even know where to start because there are so many emotions at the beginning of this process. A process that I see going many directions. Some my own hopes and dreams and wants. Some that I know will end up going solely God’s way. When I think of the Race…..I think of growth. (What’s crazy is? I’m on it. I’m gone and away from my normal…and my loved ones can say that I’m on the World Race…I said that out loud to my team today and they looked at me funny. Guess it was just a realization that it’s not something that I’m any longer looking TO…but rather something that’s present.)
Back to this growth….I see these words in my mind when I think of what I hope God to mold into my heart, what I hope God to refine in me:
Authenticity
Joy
Differentiation
Identity
Brokenness
Humility
Gentleness
Some people know that I have expressed a hardness in my heart. A hardness that I don’t exactly know how to pinpoint. Hardness that has included:
Cringing at strictly joyful jesus music
Annoyance with too much praying
Distracting thoughts during worship
Doubt when witnessing gentle speaking of tongues
Judgment at various worship styles
Doubt of genuine-ness in people
Judgement with people that are ‘too happy’
Not feeling capable to extending help outside myself
All of this? HAS to be distance from God. And I’m annoyed that I KNOW that this has so much to do with it because I don’t DO anything to change it. It has literally taken a specific hour of the day set apart for me to open my Bible. Sometimes, that’s the hardest dang thing to do….just OPEN it. And this has only happened once.
“What had happened was”….I opened my Bible in the Psalms where I had left off probably two months ago. I had been working my way through and decided I’d just continue. I was at Psalm 105.
(Psalm 105 background…..this is a historical Psalm reflecting on God’s faithfulness to his people in the midst of some crazy powers/environmental situations surrounding them when they were being led out of Egypt. From the ESV Study Bible “to recount these events in song so that future generations of God’s people might take the lessons to heart, particularly that they not be unbelieving and rebellious like the generations described here”)
Some of what I read….
“make known his deeds among the nations” (Hmmm that’s weird)
“seek his presence continually” (that’s what they keeeeeeep tellin’ us)
“wandering from nation to nation, from one kingdom to another people, he allowed no one to oppress them” (okay?..that’s maybe what I’m doing)
“famine…the word of the Lord tested him…made the land dark….turned their waters into blood…caused their fish to die…there came swarms of flies…hail for rain..shattered the trees of their country…locusts devoured all the vegetation in their land” (nasty, uncomfortable situations)
“So he brought his people out with joy” (the end wasn’t so bad…in fact, God remained faithful through some crap)
Now, part of me wants to ask the odds of what I read….but it’s gotta be God’s intentionality right? When I think of my own situation….I can’t but compare this Psalm. Mostly it shows the nature of God. It shows that he allows uncomfortable things to happen so that in the end he can be glorified for his faithfulness. So growth and joy can be a result of his people.
I’m not a fan of my living conditions. I mean…it’s not awful. In fact, it’s actually probably a lot better than what my other months with provide for me. Right now I have access to a hot shower and that’s awesome. I don’t get to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I am sleeping outside in a tent. However, I don’t want these things to be what consume me. I don’t have too much to complain about.
I miss my family, and I miss my close friends. That’s the biggest thing that has me tear up every now and then. It’s not easy not having my phone on my stinkin hip 24/7. I also know that God will do something with that….he has to right? I’m not always convinced of this whole thing. It’s a lot. It’s 11 long months that I know will go by fast some days, but also very slow other days. It doesn’t always seem like reality. It doesn’t always seem that I will have to go scavenge my food at the local, crowded market. It doesn’t always seem that my contact with home will be so limited. It’s a scary process that I have to keep telling myself God is doing something with in order to just BELIEVE that. I want my heart to soften and to really feel and believe that God will do something with me. I have to trust…like REALLY trust…that he will work out what he wants to work out.
Love.
