On the race, fitness has been hard not gonna lie. Going into the World Race I had the biggest fear that I would gain weight.
When I left for the race I weighed 128 lbs, which although I know everyone’s weight is different and looks different, is probably the best shape I had been in since my sophomore year of high school.
Then in Peru I got a chance to weigh myself and I had moved up to 136 lbs, which to me wasn’t terrible. I know God was changing my mindset. I was realizing that my athleticism wasn’t where my worth was found. I was in a good place.
Fast forward by 4 months. We just finished a week of transitions, travel, airplane/airport food and a total routine switch up. Shortly after arriving to Cambodia, I found a gym and I am standing on a scale that reads 65 kg. which converts to 143 lbs. So to give some understanding to my situation, I have stood on a scale twice in 6 months up to this point. I know that in Peru I was certainly in a good place, but to be honest when I stepped on that scale 2 weeks ago, and saw that I have gained 15 pounds, I was not okay.
I have always been so jealous of people who will have stories of their health journeys and that they finally have conquered their minds and how they have all the self control now or have let go of caring and feel so much freedom. I always have wondered how people can get to that point. I want to be a raw version of myself to my supporters, friends and family. I know I talk about things that are highly personal but I don’t want to give you guys only my highlight reel in order to save face.
It has been a challenge to find motivation within myself during the race to exercise when it is inconvenient and when I have zero accountability. It has been hard to be fed a diet that is 95% enriched carbs. It has been hard to avoid comparison to other people’s lives because they have more control.
I don’t think my life will ever look like one of those before and after photos. I have not arrived yet but that’s okay. I think my life would best be characterized by a “becoming” photo. This means that I believe in my life I will always have different things with which I struggle. One of those things is insecurity in myself and what others think of me. This is one thing that I need to lay down daily. I constantly am seeking to be reminded by God that I am perfectly imperfect. Everyday it is a choice to look at other people’s achievements and feel encouraged rather than frustrated and jealous. It is my choice to see where God is blessing me rather than where I don’t have control. My squad leader told me that there is no reason to stress over areas I don’t have control because it just means that God has more control.
One thing that I have truly been blessed with is getting a lot more accountability and encouragement since arriving in Cambodia. A handful of the girls in my group have committed to better themselves spiritually, mentally and physically.
These girls wake up extra early before ministry or go out after long days in the heat to the gym we found and are putting in the work to become stronger versions of themselves. I love this girl gang I have that is very motivating for me.
Since arriving, although each day has a different challenge, we are able to build routine and choose to fight for our rhythms in the places we don’t have routine. I am so thankful for this group and for the really big and the really small ways God is showing up. I highly encourage that if you are in a funk or in a spot where you know you are not doing okay, invite others into it. Get out of your head. Find a group of people where it is safe to be vulnerable and safe to not be okay because then in turn you can have this community help carry you along. God intended for us to have people to help us out when we are struggling.
Thanks for reading about this you guys. If any of you are struggling with anything please know that I am someone who is willing to be that community if you need it. Also if any of this resonated or related with you, let me know. I would love to talk more about it. I also have already seen significant change since arriving, I intentionally am choosing not to share on this particular blog about any progress though. I in part chose to do that because I think if you only saw where I am now and not where I came from then there would be less relatability. If you guys want to hear about that too, you are 100% welcome to ask. Thanks so much!!
