I always wait until after God has finished teaching me a lesson to write a blog about it. God showed me that this was pride and I felt led to share where I am right now. The messy, broken, totally-out-of-my-control part.
Who I am – Whose I am – Why I am.
The last couple weeks I’ve dug into “Who I am”.
Who I am:
A Warrior; God wants me to be a warrior, to plan my life deliberately, to have nothing to do with the unfruitful works of darkness, and to be keenly aware of the powers of darkness against which I am on the front lines.
An Ambassador; God created me to be His ambassador. To be so fully familiar with Him and his nature that I can be ready at any time to answer why I have the joy that I do.
A Minister of Reconciliation; It is not my job to judge anyone, it is my job to lead others to reconciliation with the true Judge through my words and actions.
A Child of God; I am to pursue obedience like a small child who desperately wants its father’s approval.
I’ve begun to stand on my own in these new identities, and it is changing me. Now God has taken it a step further and this is where it gets messy.
Whose I am:
I’m an Eagle Scout. For 4 years, I was handed difficult situations and told to survive, thrive, and lead. The lessons I’ve learned from Scouts are conceptually universal and have enabled me to handle nearly any situation in the world.
I’ve handled initiations, emergencies, and panic because I’ve anchored myself to my beliefs about God.
God is great, God is just, God is merciful, God is good.
But what about when God isn’t good or merciful?
What about when you pray in faith for a child to be healed, and they die?
What about when a lost relative dies without ever becoming saved?
What about when the missionary’s kids pass out from hunger because the father cannot afford to feed them?
What happens when you pray for these good things and they aren’t answered? The children die and the relative is never saved?
I know all the answers: “consequences of sin in the world”, “lack of faith”, “Not Gods timing”, “God said No”; Those answers are based in my belief that God is good.
But God is not good. God is God; and like Job, I have to come to terms with that.
In order to come to terms with this, I have to reach a point of complete brokenness.
Scouts taught me every possible way to prevent brokenness.
In order to know who I am, I have to understand whose I am. In order for me to understand whose I am, I must be broken. I know He can, I know He will; I’m just scared of how bad it’ll have to get for me to be utterly broken.
